Ripped Tights
by lolainslackss
Summary: Jessica Day is fifteen years old and afraid of the world. One day, she sits at Nick Miller's lunch table and everything changes. High School AU.
1. Eyes Shut

**Ripped Tights**

 **Chapter One – Eyes Shut**

It was a Saturday and as the wind chased dead leaves from forest trees, Jessica Day tightened her grip on her bicycle handlebars. She always felt nervous at the top of this particular point, and Spencer knew that, but he had sailed on down easily and hadn't even bothered to wait for her to catch up.

They had spent most of their summer here, riding the forest trail. It was a two hour loop through the trees, up to the old bridge and across, before a steep and tough climb to the tip of the hill. Jess always hated the fast descents. It was too much – she felt she lacked control over her bike, felt like she might spin off into the dirt or not be able to stop at all. Each time, she had squeezed the brakes all the way down so she wouldn't go too fast, squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn't see the world rush by. Spencer would always roll his eyes. "You have to go with the flow, Jess," He'd say every time she finally caught up with him, "It's just a hill."

Now, as her bike rested at the crest of the hill, Jess thought about the rust-coloured leaves drifting towards her feet. Summer was over. It was Saturday and school started again on Monday. Jess usually loved the beginning of the school year. It meant new pencils and a new book-bag and new classes and meeting up with Cece in the girls' bathroom. Jess was even taking Advanced English this year. English had always been her favourite subject. Spencer and Cece teased her mercilessly for being one of the few kids in class who actually read the assigned books and, more than that, enjoyed them.

Jess sighed. She couldn't wriggle away from the sense of dread in the pit of her stomach, or from the strange weight that lay, gentle as a stone, at her heart. She shook her head. She was probably just clinging to the remnants of the great summer she'd spent with Spencer. Once the bell rang on Monday morning, she'd feel totally fine. Happy, content, back to normal.

"Come one, Day. Just be cool. Go with the damn flow." She muttered, forcing a smile. Then, she kicked off, letting the bike glide down the hill. She still kept her fingers wrapped around the brakes, but for a second, she opened her eyes and caught a glimpse of sunlight falling in golden columns through the gaps between the tree branches.

…

Jess stretched and stared at her reflection in the girls' bathroom mirror. It had rained all morning and her hair was wet, and dark, flat strands stuck to her cheeks and forehead. She attempted to brush it to the side. It would dry. She then fiddled with the strap of her overalls. Were overalls really a good choice for the first day back at school? They'd seemed like a good choice when she'd picked them out that morning, but now, looking in the mirror, she felt like a kid. Jess breathed in. They would do.

"It's official," Cece stalked into the bathroom, her black heels clacking on the tiled floor, "I am off the rails."

Jess dried her hands on a paper towel and turned towards her best friend, who was grinning a sly grin.

"Off the rails? Cece – you should be on the rails! On the rails is cool. It's how trains go from place to place, all having fun and choo-chooing and being trains." Jess said to Cece, making a train motion with her arms.

"Trains wouldn't want to go from place to place if they'd met _Jesse_." Cece said the name in a low, excited whisper.

"Jesse? Like Jess but with an E?" Jess raised an eyebrow.

"What? It's a sexy name," Cece shrugged, making her way over to the mirror, "So he's picking me up at lunch and we're going to go drive around in his car."

"No! Cece! No driving around in cars. It's the first day of school, Cece. It's the first day. I mean- doesn't he go to school?" Jess asked.

Cece raised an eyebrow.

"Cece, you're only fifteen!" Jess folded her arms, "How old is-"

"That's right, Jess. I'm _fifteen_. I want to have fun!" Cece whirled around from the mirror and tilted her head to the side as if to say, ' _Please, Jess_ '.

Jess rolled her eyes. Was Cece growing up without her? Was everyone growing up without her? Once more, she felt that weird rush in her stomach - the same tense, wobbly feeling she felt when leaning forward on her handlebars at the top of that hill, unsure and unsteady.

"Well, I'm fifteen too, Cece. I am fifteen and I am afraid of the world. The whole entire world. The biggest risk I took today was that I rode my bike to school without a helmet. How's that for off the rails?" Jess retorted, raising an eyebrow and suppressing a laugh when she heard how ridiculous she sounded.

"A helmet? Jess, I am talking about true love here." Cece replied, equally amused.

"True love? Wow." Jess said quietly, "I just want you to be careful, Cece."

"Super careful, like ten helmets careful." Cece assured Jess, reaching out to brush her friend's hair out of her face.

Jess shrugged and ran a hand through her long, dark hair.

"At least you have that boyfriend of yours to sit with at lunchtime, right?" Cece said brightly. "I don't have to feel bad for ditching!"

"I guess so," Jess muttered, leaning against the wall.

Cece kissed Jess on the cheek before rushing out of the bathroom with a wide, wild smile on her face.

"Be careful." Jess said quietly to the empty bathroom. She whipped round and adjusted her glasses in the mirror before walking to Advanced English alone.

…

Jess walked to the lunch room feeling relatively upbeat. The class seemed interesting and the teacher seemed to know his stuff. They were focusing on French literature, which was something Jess had never really read before. Jess walked into the lunch room ready to impress Spencer with her newfound knowledge of existentialism.

Since she began dating Spencer, Jess had began flirting with vegetarianism. She had only met a few of his friends, but they all seemed really into it. As she'd be sitting with them today, she chose the vegetable chilli option at the lunch counter, and turned around to face the lunch room, tray in hand. The lunch room was already full up, and everyone was chatting and joking around. Jess walked towards the middle, where Spencer and his friends usually sat.

"Hey everyone!" she waved at the group of five who sat with Spencer, "Can't a girl get a nice soy burger around here? What's that about?"

One of the girls to Spencer's left widened her eyes and then looked away to her side. The rest of the group – another girl and three guys – all shifted uncomfortably.

"Weird, right. Did you guys grab some of this vegetable chilli? It's full of beans." Jess continued, attempting to ignore the weird atmosphere.

Eventually, a taller guy who Jess had met at a picnic earlier in the summer – Travis - nudged Spencer and coughed.

"Listen, Jess," Spencer began, standing up and turning to face her, "Oh wow. This is really awkward, but, the truth of the matter is, you can't sit with us today."

"I can't sit with you today?" Jess repeated, feeling her cheeks flush pink, "What do you mean?"

"It's just – me and the guys – you know that we founded the Environmentally-Conscious Student Society at the end of last semester?" Spencer asked, running a hand through his shoulder-length hair.

"Yeah?" Jess asked, still clutching her tray.

"Well, it was kind of a rule that helmets had to be worn at all times when on bicycles, Jess. Like, at all times. We think that you have to be safe when saving the environment, otherwise it's just a bunch of posers posing, you get me?" Spencer said, touching Jess on the shoulder gently.

"I guess, but what-"

"Bethany saw you riding your bike today without a helmet."

"But- I couldn't find my-"

"I'm sorry, Jess, but my hands are tied, you know? A rule's a rule." Spencer interrupted.

"So I'm just supposed to sit by myself?" Jess asked, a hint of irritation in her voice.

"Of course not – you can sit with Cece. You guys always sit together anyway, don't you?" Spencer shrugged as he turned to reclaim his seat at the table.

"Right, yeah, of course." Jess muttered, tightening her grip on the blue, plastic tray.

' _Turn around, Day. Move a foot. Move anything. Do not just stand here in the middle of the lunch room holding onto your tray for dear life, you idiot-loser hybrid. Move._ '

Jess sighed and walked towards the back of the lunch room with false purpose and immediately began scanning tables for what looked like the least threatening group of people.

He gaze finally landed on a table near the corner. There were three guys sitting at the table, all laughing. The first guy she recognised from a few classes – he went by his surname, Schmidt, and she couldn't remember his first name at all. A few years ago, he had been much larger, but appeared to have lost weight since then. The other two she had only seen in the hall a couple of times. She had sometimes seen the African American kid in basketball gear, so supposed he played sometimes. Not her forte, but doable. The other kid, with the messy brown hair, she didn't really know at all, but she remembered that Cece had once unsuccessfully tried to buy a bag of weed from him. Jess wrinkled her nose and stared down at her vegetable chilli that was getting colder. It was a possibility. Could she really just go up to them and ask to sit down though? She couldn't handle being dismissed from two lunch tables in one day.

Just as Jess decided she'd eat alone in the bathroom, the guys started doing goofy impressions of Sesame Street characters. That settled it. Jess moved towards the table. Threat level: negligible.

…

"Hey, I'm Jess – I heard you guys doing a bit of Big Bird over here, and thought I'd offer you a kick-ass Cookie Monster impression in exchange for a spot at your table. What do you say?" Jess babbled.

Three sets of startled eyes turned to look at her.

"Me Cookie Monster!" Jess yelled, drawing the attention of a few other tables, "Me want cookie!"

"That is a _terrible_ Cookie Monster," Schmidt scolded as the other two guys laughed, "You should be ashamed."

"Cookie Monster sorry," Jess continued."Cookie Monster...stop?"

"Better." Schmidt nodded.

"So can I sit?" Jess asked.

The guys exchanged glances, before shuffling round to make an excessive amount room for Jess.

"Super awkward," Jess sang to herself as she sat down.

"This is Jessica Day," Schmidt said suddenly, much to Jess's surprise, "Mathematics. Mrs Princely. Three years ago. Boom."

"Wow, I didn't think you'd remember-" Jess grinned.

"I remember the names of all the beautiful angels who wander these halls. For future reference. Am I right, gentlemen?" Schmidt appealed to his friends.

"So far from right, it's left dude." The basketball-player muttered as the messy-haired, not-weed-dealer groaned.

"The man to my right is Winston Bishop. Point guard. Party animal." Schmidt said as a means of introduction.

" _Substitute_ point guard." Winston nodded slowly, as if that were the sexiest thing in the world.

"And this man right here, the man I call the brightest star in our universe, is no other that Nicholas Miller." Schmidt said sincerely.

"It's Nick. Nick. No Nicholas. I'm not Santa Claus." Nick snapped.

"Wow. Well, it's very nice to meet you all." Jess smiled.

"Why are you alone, Jessica? Where is your friend, Cecilia number one?" Schmidt asked, scanning the lunch room.

"Cecilia number one? What is that?" Jess asked, prodding her chilli with a fork.

"That's what we call your friend." Nick said.

"Yeah, that's what we call her." Winston nodded.

"Because she's number one." Schmidt whispered, holding up his index finger.

"I'm sorry, Cece's not here today." Jess said, shrugging.

"Is that why you're sitting with us?" Winston asked.

"Kind of." Jess shoved a forkful of chilli in her mouth, not wanting the conversation to go any further.

"Kind of? What does- What does that mean?" Schmidt asked.

"It means that my boyfriend blew me off, okay?" Jess snapped, burying her face in her hands, "What is it with that? Just cause I lost stupid my helmet I'm not good enough?"

"A helmet? What is this, the space programme? What are you talking about?" Schmidt asked, confused.

"I couldn't find my helmet today, which broke their dumb environment rules, which meant I couldn't sit with them." Jess mumbled into her hands.

"Wait a minute," Nick leant forward in his seat, "You're telling me your boyfriend – the dude you're supposed to be with – didn't let you sit with him at lunch for some made-up reason?"

"Yeah. Is that, like, a guy thing?" Jess asked, leaning forward consiprationally.

"No, Jess. It's a douche thing." Nick replied firmly.

"Definite douche thing." Schmidt agreed.

"For real, Jess. Douche alert." Winston said, shaking his head.

"Jess. Your boyfriend should wanna sit with you. He should wanna sit with you every lunch. He should wanna spend all his time with you because you're _it_ , you know?" Nick told Jess.

"I'm _it_." Jess repeated.

"Yeah, I mean, when I was with Caroline I-" Nick started, but was cut off by Schmidt and Winston's boos and hisses.

"Not Caroline, Nick. What have we discussed?" Schmidt asked, his tone stern.

"That I should pretend she never existed." Nick muttered robotically.

"What? Who's Caroline?" Jess asked, curious.

"Nick's ex-girlfriend. They were classic childhood sweethearts. Only with more fighting and storming out and less milkshakes and late-night phone calls. She moved away at the beginning of summer. We have been repairing the damage ever since." Schmidt explained, gesturing wildly.

"I'm not damaged, man." Nick frowned, "And I drink plenty of milkshakes."

"I'm sorry your girlfriend moved away." Jess said, partly because she wasn't sure how to respond and partly because she genuinely meant it.

"Well, I'm sorry your boyfriend is a douche," Nick replied, "Helmets, man, helmets. Rules are for fools, Jess."

"Then call me a fool, because this girl is riding without protection from now on," Jess retorted, holding her hand up for a high five.

"What did you just say?" Nick yelled, as he slapped his palm against hers.

"Protection." Winston giggled as the bell rang, signalling the end of lunch.

"Okay, Winston, let's go. You have to be my partner in Gym or else everyone will laugh at me." Schmidt stood up lightning-fast and grabbed Winston's arm, pulling him behind him.

"See ya around, Jess!" Winston called as he was dragged away.

Jess smiled. To her surprise, lunch had actually ended up being the opposite of a disaster. It had been a while since she had just goofed around like that. She felt a flutter of warmth in her stomach. In the slight, awkward silence that followed Winston and Schmidt's departure, Jess took a moment to really look at Nick Miller. She'd never spoken to him at all before today. He was gruff, and seemed easily agitated, but there was a definite kindness there. She nudged him with her elbow.

"Thank you," she smiled, "For what you said, and for letting me sit with you. You guys are alright."

"Are you kidding? We never have girls sit with us. Thank you for making us look good," Nick smiled.

Jess laughed. Up close, she could concede he was kind of attractive. He had the kind of brown eyes that warmed you up from the inside, made you feel right at home. There was also the faintest bit of stubble there. Cut off some of that hair and give that hoodie a wash, and he could be a hit, Jess thought.

Nick began to gather his things together, and gave her a little nod before standing.

"So I'll see you around, Day?" he asked finally.

"Not if I see you first, Miller." Jess replied, shooting him an exaggerated wink and instantly regretting it.

Nick snorted and held up a hand before walking away from the table.

Jess turned to watch him go. Maybe he was right. Maybe Spencer was a douche. Maybe she needed someone who wanted to be with her because she was _it_. Whatever _it_ was.

As she contemplated that, Nick stopped and turned round to return to the table. Jess started to glance around for whatever it was he had forgotten, but he shook his head.

"Listen, we don't normally- I mean- Look. So, Schmidt, Winston and I usually hang out in my dad's basement on Monday nights. Nothing fancy. We just drink some of my dad's beers and talk shit about school and other stuff. It's pretty lame, actually. You interested?" Nick asked.

Jess looked up at the boy who stood in front of her and all of a sudden felt glued to her seat. She'd never hung out with a group of guys she hardly knew before, had never even had more than a sip of beer. It all seemed a bit crazy. ' _No_ ,' Jess thought, ' _Not crazy. Just different. Different. Different is good. Different could even be fun_.'

"I'm interested," Jess replied with a nod, and then she stood up so that she was facing Nick Miller, so that their feet were almost touching, so that her blue eyes met his brown ones. The lunch room was almost empty. The rain battered the windows. Outside the leaves were falling from the trees in yellow clusters.

She nodded again.

"What's your address?"


	2. Tip a Bottle Back

**Ripped Tights**

 **Chapter Two – Tip a Bottle Back**

Nick Miller popped the cap off a brown beer bottle and sipped the half-inch of foam that rose out from the top. Swallowing a few quick sips, he flicked the light on, allowing the basement to be illuminated by the orange-yellow glow of the single bulb. At once, the sound of the buzzing lightbulb filled the space. This was home. Dimly lit and smelling of dust and liquor and boy. _There is no salvaging this_ , Nick thought to himself. _It is what it is_.

Nick gathered up the remains of pizza boxes and beer bottles. A cloud of fruit flies seemed to follow him up the stairs and outside to the garden. He tossed the rubbish away and made his way back inside, casting a glimpse towards his father's empty chair.

It had been two years now – two years since his mom had died and his father had gotten progressively worse. After a year of restocking the liquor cabinet and sitting in silence, his father had now taken to leaving for days at a time. He'd tell Nick he was going away on 'business', and Nick never asked what on earth 'business' meant. His father never touched him anymore, not even as he said goodbye. Nick didn't expect a hug, but a pat on the shoulder would have been welcomed from time to time.

At first, Nick didn't so much mind his father's absences. Caroline would come over and they'd lie on the couch downstairs and it would be nice for a while. She was gone too now, though. Nick drained the last of the liquid from the bottle.

Nick had tried his first beer when he was twelve. His mom had gotten him a weekend job at the local garage and Nick had hated it. He knew alcohol could make you sick the day after drinking it, so one Friday, after school, he stole a four-pack from the fridge and finished it in his room. His mom still made him go to work the next day. Since then, he'd mostly avoided alcohol, but recently, it just seemed more fun to have a couple of beers when hanging with the guys. There was always so much of it around. If his dad noticed, or cared, he had never said anything about it.

Nick went back down to the basement and levered the cap from a second bottle. He looked around, wondering if there was anything else he could do to spruce it up. It was pointless. The stale, stuffy atmosphere wouldn't lift. It was as if something were brewing. Nick sighed and sat down to wait.

Apart from Caroline, he'd never invited a girl there before. Jess Day was a crazy person. She was a daydreamer. He'd seen her around. He could tell there was a certain longing in her eyes. She wanted better things, wanted to be in a better place. She hid it well, but she was lonely. He knew it as soon as she walked up to the table. When she let her guard down, she looked thoughtful, anxious. She looked as if she wasn't sure if what she was doing or saying was right, as if she wasn't sure where she was supposed to be. He knew this look because he saw it in himself every day too. But he'd seen flashes of a spark there, at that table. She was definitely funny - in her own strange way. She had nerve. She was sincere. She was real. What could make a girl like that lonely? She had a boyfriend and a best friend. Although one seemed like a douche and the other wasn't around sometimes. He hated thinking about her being turned away from that table in the lunch room - this already lonely girl just looking to fit in. He just _had_ to ask her to come tonight. As spontaneous as it was, he really just wanted her to be able to be herself, like she had been earlier. He also, oddly, really wanted to see her again, though he couldn't quite put his slightly tipsy finger on why. _The group could do with some female presence_ , he thought, _that'll mix things up a bit_.

As Nick Miller tipped the beer bottle back, the doorbell rang.

…

Jess didn't know what the basement dress code was, so had opted for smart-casual. She wore a cornflower-blue dress flecked with gold embroidery and a black blazer on top.

"Tonight you are going to drink beer," Jess muttered to herself as she wandered down Nick's street, peeking at the numbers on the doors, "And you are going to have a great time, and love it, and tell Cece about it tomorrow, and not tell Spencer because he is an ass-pig who still hasn't called to apologise."

Finally, Jess came to number 44 and made her way up the garden path. She was suddenly very aware that she was early. Nick had said they usually meet up around 7. Jess looked at the time on her phone and cringed. It was 6:20. She shook it off. Now was not the time to be feeling uncool. She lifted her head up and smoothed down the front of her blazer and pressed the doorbell.

It took a moment or so before Nick opened the door.

"Wow," He gave a low whistle, and leant against the frame, "That's a fancy outfit. There something going on I don't know about?"

"Just this very fancy gathering, my friend," Jess smiled, and held up a brown paper bag, "Hey, I brought a Black Forest Gâteau."

"A gâteau? What the heck, Jessica?" Nick asked incredulously as he motioned for her to follow him inside.

"It's a cake!" Jess replied, following Nick inside and towards the basement steps.

"Jess, no offense, but this is more of a pizza and chips kind of deal." Nick said.

"Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry I bring cakes to social events and I wear cute blazers." Jess said sarcastically.

"No, I'm sorry Jess. Cake sounds like a treat. I shouldn't tell you what to do- Yeah. Jess. That's right. Tell me I shouldn't tell you what to do." Nick urged.

" _What_?" Jess raised her eyebrows.

"Tell me to shut my stupid mouth and that you'll do what you want." Nick folded his arms across his chest.

"I can't do that. That's stupid." Jess replied, laughing.

"Tell me you'll bring fifty damn cakes if you want to! Tell me you'll dress like the god damn queen of England!" Nick shouted loudly.

"Fine! Yeah! Screw you, Miller! I'll do what I want!" Jess yelled.

"That's my girl. Fancy a cold one?" Nick asked, walking to the mini-fridge and pulling out two more beers.

"A cold one? Don't mind if I do." Jess replied, unintentionally speaking in a mock-sophisticated voice. She felt uptight. She felt like she should relax. It was only a beer. Her parents wouldn't mind. They had enough to deal with- their own problems, Abby moving out, stuff. They wouldn't even notice if she came home having had only one beer.

Nick held out the beer and Jess took it from him. The cold, wet feeling of the glass chilled her hands. Tentatively, she took a sip. The fizzy, bready taste slid over her tongue and she wasn't sure if she liked it. She swallowed, wincing, and then took another, more enthusiastic swig. She paused. Nick Miller was watching her.

"So," She started, urgently feeling like she needed to speak, "This is your room?"

"Nah, my room's upstairs. I just think this is a great party pad. Pretty uncool, huh?" Nick replied, still standing.

"It's great," Jess said energetically, taking in the grey walls and the games console and the ping pong table.

"I'm incredible at ping pong. And Mariokart. So don't even challenge me." Nick said, shrugging.

Jess snorted and tucked her hair behind her ears.

"Seriously. Caroline used to get me to play ping pong with her every day, and I always won. There were many smashed paddles." Nick sighed, "Those were the good old days."

"You miss her, huh?" Jess smiled gently. Any old idiot could see Nick Miller's heart was wounded.

"All the time." Nick said.

"Why didn't you try long distance?" Jess asked.

"She said it would be 'too hard'." Nick said with a shrug.

"I don't believe that," Jess shook her head, "I think, if you want to be together, and you want to make it work, then it would be easy as pie. You just make it happen, and you deal with it, because more than anything, you want to be with that person. I would do it."

"You would?" Nick asked, "For Spencer?"

Jess was hit by the sudden realisation that she wasn't actually sure. She had been so happy when Spencer had asked her out at the end of the last school year. Their summer had been nice – lots of picnics and bike rides and kissing. But there was a tiny part of her brain that instinctively answered 'no' to Nick's question. 'No', it had said, 'you wouldn't.' Jess drew in a deep breath. Feelings of selfishness and guilt suddenly rolled over her in waves.

"I-" She started.

"Yeah?" Nick tilted his head to the side.

The doorbell rang upstairs and Jess let out the breath she'd been holding in.

"I told you it's not that easy," Nick commented as he made his way across the room towards the stairs. As he ran up them two at a time, her called down to her, "But we're young, right? It's supposed to get easier, from what I've head."

As she watched him climb the stairs Jess gulped down the remainder of her beer.

…

Bruce Springsteen's voice skittered across the room from the tape deck, Winston was beating Schmidt at ping pong and Jess had finished precisely five beers. She pointed to each empty bottle and pretended to shoot them from an imaginary wall, counting as she went.

"Five!" She growled, pretending to blow smoke away from her fingertip.

"You crazy animal." Nick slurred.

"Winston, I swear!" Schmidt suddenly yelled, "Y- you- you must be cheating, sir."

"Schmidt, I am a professional sportsman, how dare you." Winston tapped his paddle against the edge of the table.

"I am a professional drinker of drinks!" Jess shouted, poking Winston on the shoulder.

"Jess, you are steaming drunk." Schmidt threw his arms up in the air, "I swear you people have the alcohol resistance of lab rats-"

Schmidt paled slightly and touched his stomach tenderly with his palm.

"Excuse me gentlemen. Lady." Schmidt said quietly before running upstairs to the bathroom.

"He always does that!" Nick laughed manically, "We call him the- uh-"

A high-pitched ring interrupted Nick. Jess shook her head, confused.

"Wait!" Jess exclaimed, holding up her hands, "Is that my phone? What- What time is it? What if it's my parents?"

Winston picked Jess's phone up from the side table."It's your girl, Cece." He said, throwing the phone across to Jess, who surprisingly managed to catch it with minimal fumbling.

"Cece! Hi!" Jess shouted into the phone, "Where are you? What? I'm- uh- at a Springsteen concert. Well- I didn't invite you because- Fine, you're right. Yes. I'm at- I'm actually at uh, Nick Miller's house? Nick Miller. Yes, Nick Miller. No, he doesn't have any weed, Cece. _Cece_. He doesn't have any weed. Yes, there might be beer - or -I might have drank it all. Not sure. Yes, I did. I did, Cece. I had like, five of them. No, I'm fine. Where are you? Oh, oh. You should come _here_. What are you talking about? No it's not, Cece. You're crazy. Cece, it's not ten yet. I- what? Are you kidding me? It's _half past_ ten? Oh no- I need to get home. Cece, stay where you are. We can walk together. Yes. Yes! Cece! I'm getting my coat, Cece. Bye."

Jess shoved her phone into her purse and started looking for her blazer. As she gathered up her cake tin, Schmidt reappeared next to her, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"So," Schmidt started, "Did she ask about me?"

"What? Schmidt, I don't have time. I need to get home. Do you know how late it is? My parents don't even know I'm out! I'm going to be so late getting home! Where is my damn blazer?" Jess said breathlessly, agitated.

"Jessica, relax," Nick said calmly, reaching across Schmidt to hand her the blazer, "Here's your fancy coat. Do you need someone to walk you home?"

"No thanks, I'm meeting Cece. We live closely to each other, so yeah," Jess pushed her arms into her blazer and tossed her hair back, "But thanks for tonight. It was- it was _nice._ "

"No way – thanks to _you_ for that sweet, sweet gâteau." Winston smirked, taking a sip of beer.

"Cece? _The_ Cece? Jess, it's not safe out there. Nick lives on a street full of ruffians. I will escort you home." Schmidt insisted.

"Schmidt, it's like, a ten minute walk, you weirdo." Jess rolled her eyes as she stopped him rushing towards his coat, "But thank you for the concern."

"Are you sure, Jess?" Nick asked, "We don't mind."

"I know, but you guys stay," Jess smiled, "Keep having fun."

"Just- Just so you know, you're welcome to hang out any time. Here, at school. Just hit us up. You know, if you want." Nick offered awkwardly as Jess walked towards the stairs.

"Thanks, Miller," Jess nodded, "I might take you up on that."

Nick held up a hand to say goodbye.

Jess ran up the stairs, through the door, away from the boys and Springsteen and ping pong and out into the night. 

…

Cece crushed her cigarette against the brick wall and exhaled the last draw, smoke snaking out of her mouth like mist. To her right, she heard footsteps. She kicked herself forwards from the wall she had been leaning on and stretched her arms out as Jess ran into them. Jess wrapped her arms around Cece's waist and buried her head in her shoulder. Cece patted her head. She smelled like cake and booze.

"You're smoking?" Jess drunkenly muttered into Cece's sleek, dark hair.

"Only a little bit," Cece said softly, "What's wrong?"

"I'm going to be in so much trouble," Jess said, her voice doing that high-pitched wobbly thing that Cece couldn't stand.

"Don't worry about it," Cece stroked Jess's hair soothingly, "I called your parents and said we'd lost track of time watching movies and that you were on your way home from my place."

"You did?" Jess looked up, "Cece, you're the best."

"You're the best, you drunk weirdo," Cece smirked, "What's with that, anyway? Nick Miller and beer? Since when?"

"Since today," Jess scrunched up her face, "I sat with him and his friends at lunch because Spencer was being a big jerk. They invited me over and I momentarily lost my mind and said yes."

"Spencer _is_ a big jerk." Cece agreed, looping her arm around Jess and walking in the direction of Jess's street, "You should ditch that loser, Jess. Was tonight fun?"

"It was." Jess admitted.

"That's because Spencer wasn't there." Cece said sagely.

"You're right, Cece. I _should_ ditch that loser. Just ditch his silly face." Jess narrowed her eyebrows and took a deep breath.

"Tomorrow," Cece nodded, slowing down as they grew closer to Jess's house, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have my own house to sneak into."

"I love you, Cece." Jess whispered as they hugged goodbye.

"I love you too, Jess." Cece replied.

Cece watched Jess stumble through the garden, pause, and then compose herself before opening her front door. Jess gave one last, weak wave before closing it. Cece smiled and then turned to walk towards to her own house. As she walked she lit another cigarette. She loved the fire-bright shade of red the tip turned once it was lit. Cece breathed in, and breathed out, and wished the stars weren't hidden beneath clouds.

… 

Jess splashed water in her face and then glanced at the text draft on her phone screen before hitting send. She closed her eyes and turned the tap on, waiting until the water ran warm over her hands.

After avoiding him all week, she had texted Spencer telling him to meet her after school. She walked down the hall and out towards the bike racks. Spencer stood next to his bike, his hands firm on the handlebars and his shoulder-length hair curling out from beneath his helmet. Jess let out a small groan under her breath.

"Jess- long time no speak-" Spencer began, leaning his bike against the wall and stretching out his arms as if to embrace her.

"Spencer, we need to talk." Jess said firmly.

"Yeah, I think we do." Spencer nodded, taking a step back.

"I'm really upset about the whole table-helmet thing, Spencer." Jess said pointedly.

"Well, that's great, Jess. I accept your apology." Spencer moved closer to Jess.

"My apology?" Jess let out a humourless laugh, "Spencer, you humiliated me and belittled me in front of your friends. I felt- I felt hurt and rejected."

" _Jess_ ," Spencer addressed her emphatically, "I understand that, but you have to realise you gave me no choice but to do that. You know how much we care about the environment. You know that we have these rules. Really, in a way, _you_ disrespected _us_ , don't you think?"

"No, Spencer, I don't-" Jess shook her head, unable to believe what she was hearing.

"Jess, I don't want to fight about this. Fighting is so- so pointless, you know? It's not very constructive at all. Don't you agree with me?" Spencer asked, tilting his head to one side and looking into Jess's eyes, "I thought you were a pacifist, Jess?"

"I am!" Jess insisted, "I just- My feelings were hurt, Spencer."

"I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt, Jess, but what about my feelings? You haven't spoken to me all week." Spencer sighed.

"Like I said- I was upset." Jess said quietly.

"I don't want us to be upset. Do you?" Spencer asked, nudging her foot with his.

"No." Jess responded. Somehow all her words had gotten mixed up. Somehow she hadn't said what she'd meant to. Jess exhaled, confused.

"Jess," Spencer came up close and raised a hand to Jess's face, he stroked her cheek with his thumb and said, "I really like you."

Jess looked up into his eyes and felt herself relax against his touch. _Maybe I overreated_ , she thought, _after all, it does seem like he was upset by this too and he does really like me_. She placed her hand over his and squeezed.

"Why don't we do something together tonight?" Spencer asked, "It is Friday night, after all. Hey- here's a crazy thought. Why don't we camp in the woods together? You, me, under the stars? It'll be romantic."

Jess hesitated. She was supposed to check in with Cece and let her know how the break-up went. Somehow she'd gotten turned around. Camping did sound nice, though. She hadn't been camping since she was a kid. It could be the perfect opportunity to reconnect with Spencer after the week of silence. She could remind herself why she fell for him in the first place, fix things so they went back to normal. That sounded good.

"Yes, that sounds good. Great. I'll run home and put a bag together. What do I need? Warm clothes and food and blankets?" Jess asked, beginning to make a to-do list in her head. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket.

"Yeah. Don't worry about the tent. My dad has one we can borrow." Spencer said, retrieving his bike from where it lay against the wall.

"Okay. We'll meet later?" Jess leaned in to give him a light kiss on the cheek.

"Later." Spencer nodded as he began cycling away.

Jess leaned against the wall and buried her face in her hands. She stood there a moment, feeling weird and stupid. Eventually, she pulled her phone out of her pocket. Two messages. From Cece: _how did it go? xoxo,_ and one from Winston: _Yo :) what are you up to tonight?_

"Smiley face? Really, Winnie?" Jess wrinkled her nose and pushed up her glasses. She and Cece had eaten lunch at the guys' table every day this week and Jess was surprised at how well they all got along. It was fun - just hanging out, being herself, making fun of each other. It was natural. Her heart swelled with affection for this group of boys. They'd really taken her under their wing, and though she's never tell them, she thought they were wonderful. They were good-natured and funny and she found their boyish recklessness fresh and exciting and interesting. She felt a pang of sadness that there was obviously something going on tonight. She decided not to reply to Winston. It was better she didn't know what kind of shenanigans were going on without her. She wondered if Cece would go.

Cece. Cece she had to reply to.

 _UGH. I didn't do it - we just talked instead. Hanging tonight so won't see you. Have a good Friday :) xxx_ , typed Jess, bashing her fingers against the buttons rapidly. Hopefully Cece wouldn't push her for more information. That was the tiny negative to having a best friend who knew you as well as you knew yourself. You couldn't convince them of certain things as deeply as you could convince yourself.

Jessica Day walked home. She noticed that the crisp, bright autumnal air did little to clear her head of its worries.

…

Jess zipped up her overnight bag and stood up straight with her hands on her hips. She had been silent through dinner, until the end when she realised she'd have to find some excuse for staying out all night. Luckily she'd gotten away with the lie Cece told on Monday but two lies in one week seemed excessive. Nevertheless, her parents would never accept her camping with a boyfriend, so she had to come up with something. Jess kept her fingers crossed underneath the table as she asked for permission to sleep over at Cece's. Her parents had no problem with this arrangement at all – they were too preoccupied with glaring at each other across the table. For the first time since Abby left, Jess felt a stab of worry. A bad atmosphere had been hanging around her house for too long. Jess wondered silently if there was anything she could do before excusing herself to pack her bag. Jess's mind was already swimming with too many uncertainties as it was.

Having left it hidden in her rucksack since texting Cece, Jess pulled out her phone to text Spencer that she was ready to go. There were a couple of missed calls from Cece, but nothing else. Jess pushed away her guilt. She would talk to Cece later.

Jess was in the middle of typing when her phone started to vibrate in her hands. Someone was calling her.

 _Nick_ , her phone read. Jess inhaled sharply and pressed the receive button.

"Hey," Jess answered.

"Hey, Jess, hey. How's it going?" Nick yelled down the phone.

"I'm okay. How are you?" Jess asked, shaking her head. Nick always yelled down the phone like an old man.

"Good. Winston is upset that you never texted him back." Nick said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

"What is he, the text police?" Jess laughed awkwardly.

"Right?" Nick continued, "So we decided to go camping tonight, Jess. Schmidt is borrowing his dad's car and we're going to drive to the lake!"

"Camping, wow. What a popular idea." Jess remarked drily.

"What?" Nick barked.

"Just, you know, camping. Wow." Jess said.

"Yeah, so when should we pick you up?" Nick asked.

"Well. I- I kind of have plans." Jess replied quietly.

"Oh. What are you up to?" Nick asked, his voice cheerful and casual.

"Just Spencer stuff," Jess said flippantly, "No big deal."

"What? Cece said you were breaking up with that- that- popsicle with hair." Nick finished.

"Yeah, well, I didn't, so. That's that." Jess muttered.

"Well, have fun, I guess," Nick paused, then added, "We'll miss you."

"You too. See you." Jess said, feeling the hot prickle of tears forming in her eyes as Nick hung up.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. Jess thought, clutching her phone to her heart. She wiped her eyes forcefully. It felt stupid to feel sad. There would be other trips with her new friends. She should be excited about spending time with her boyfriend. Deep down, though, she knew things weren't that simple. She began feeling annoyed. Why couldn't she just, for once, do what she wanted to do, and not care about what the consequences were? Her fingers tightened around the phone in her hand. She hit the call button.

"Jess, hey-" Nick answered.

"Nick," she breathed, "Can you come get me? I- I want to come with you guys."

"You sure?" He asked, and Jess could imagine his smile as he said it.

"I'm sure," Jess nodded, "That's what I want to do."

"We'll be there in ten." Nick said.

As soon as Jess heard the sharp 'honk' of the car's horn, she jumped up and sprinted downstairs. A cool wind hit her as soon as she left the house, making her hair twist and curl behind her in long, dark ribbons. Jess grinned and ran towards the car.


	3. Are You Wild Like Me?

**Ripped Tights**

 **Chapter Three – Are You Wild Like Me?**

The lake stretched out in front of them, a perfect reflection of the cloudless night sky above. As Schmidt parked the car, Jess, Winston and Nick walked down the grassy banks to the lakeside with their camping equipment. The lake was surrounded by a pebbly beach and to the right was a shadowy cluster of trees. The bare branches were thin and pointed like needles. Jess shivered. It was cold. She definitely should have brought more layers. Thermal tights, combat boots, a jumper and a flippy skirt, and a navy jacket on top – that was her grand camping outfit. At night-time. In autumn. She hadn't really thought that one through. _Weather-appropriate clothing, Day,_ she scolded herself, _get your camping game on._

"Isn't this great?" Nick asked, throwing an arm towards the lake, "Getting out in the great outdoors? I don't know about you guys but I feel better already. The city just brings us down, man."

"Nick, the city is like, five minutes away. I can see a street lamp over there." Winston commented drily.

"So where do we set up?" Jess asked.

"Uh-" Winston looked around.

"Well-" Nick held up the tent.

"We have to wait for Schmidt." Winston admitted with a shrug.

"Yeah, we have to wait for Schmidt." Nick repeated.

"Well I hope he hurries up. It's freezing." Jess put her hands in her jacket pockets.

"Don't worry, Jess," Nick said as he started to rummage around in his rucksack, "I brought loads of extras – all the layers you could want. What you after?"

"Another coat would be good. Gloves and socks too if you've got them." Jess leaned forward to look through Nick's stash.

"Are you kidding? I've got everything. Here you go, Jess." Nick handed her some balled up socks, gloves and a huge, puffy coat.

Jess took off her boots and rolled up the thick socks. They were a little big, but her feet felt instantly warmer. Finally, she snuggled into the jacket and zipped it up before putting on the black, woollen gloves. Again, they were large on her, but they were cosy.

"How do I look?" Jess asked. Encased in the big, puffy sleeves, it was hard to fully put her arms down by her sides.

Nick and Winston narrowed their eyes.

"I don't know how to respond to that question." Nick said, frowning.

"Like a marshmallow." Winston answered quickly.

Jess snorted.

"Well, that should do it," Schmidt called as he walked down the embankment and towards them, "I parked the car discreetly – hopefully it won't be disturbed by birds or squirrels or other wildlife. Damn nature."

"Damn nature?" Jess asked, "Then why are we camping?"

"Because I get to make a fire, Jessica," Schmidt answered, shooting her a disdainful look, "Come _on_. Wait. Why- why are you wearing that coat? Are you thinking of jumping off the Titanic?"

"Nick gave it to me. I forgot layers." Jess muttered.

"Oh, Nick it gave to you. Wow. Nick gave it to you. Congratulations. Last time we came camping and I asked for extra socks, I got a slap on the wrist." Schmidt turned to Nick and raised his eyebrows in accusation. Nick shrugged.

"I didn't even get a shot of the earmuffs." Winston said gravely.

"They're _mine_ , Winston. If you care so much about your ears, then get your own damn earmuffs." Nick said, pointing his finger at Winston.

"Enough! Enough – the two of you! Do you think tents put up themselves? Well, they don't. Battle formations. Now." Schmidt snapped, "It's already dark, you dingos."

"Did you just call me a-" Nick began.

"Battle formations!" Schmidt yelled.

Nick frowned and went to unpack the tent with Winston as Schmidt surveyed the surrounding area for flat ground.

"What should I do?" Jess asked uncertainly.

Nick and Winston looked at her blankly.

"Poles?" Winston said eventually.

"Yeah, poles. Jess, you can be in charge of poles." Nick tossed a smaller bag towards her. It landed on the floor with a metallic rattle.

Jess unzipped the bag and pulled out the deconstructed poles. Each piece slotted into another, eventually creating a long pole. As she worked, the guys flattened the tent on the spot Schmidt had picked out for them.

"I made poles!" Jess yelled, once all the poles were ready.

"Nice," Nick patted her on the shoulder and handed her an open bottle, "Now sit back, have a beer and watch us work our magic."

…

Almost an hour later, the tent was finally upright and firmly secured. There had been poles inserted wrongly, many misplaced pegs and lots of yelling by Nick and Schmidt, but it was done.

"It's hard to do in the dark." Winston whispered to Jess, "Just pretend like they did a good job."

"Good going, guys!" Jess exclaimed. She had finished two beers and she already felt warmer. She also felt strangely hungry. She hoped the guys had brought some food.

"Has everyone put their sleeping bag inside?" Schmidt asked, "Do it now, if you haven't already. I have brought an extra in case Cecilia decides to join us."

"Keep dreaming, buddy." Nick slapped Schmidt on the back as he went to roll out his sleeping bag inside the tent.

Jess opened another beer and walked towards the lake. She and Cece used to come to the lake sometimes, but never at night-time. Above her, the moon was full and bright and the stars were glittering. The light was caught on the water, which was silent and still in the cold, autumnal night. The darkness from the surrounding trees gave the scene a sense of mystery, and although they could occasionally see a car or truck trudge down the road in the distance, to Jess, it felt like they were cut off from the world, completely secluded. It was just them, and their tent and the water. Nothing else mattered. Jess exhaled in contentment and her breath was a frosty, white wisp that escaped into the night.

"Jess!" Schmidt called to her from beside the tent, "It's time for phase two!"

Jess laughed at Schmidt's use of the phrase 'phase two' as she ran across the pebbles and sand, up towards the trees where the tent lay and her friends stood waiting for her.

"I'm ready," Jess said breathlessly, "What's phase two?"

"Phase two is collecting firewood. Nicholas, Jessica – you two take the right hand side of the tent. Winston and I will take the left hand side of the tent. Afterwards, I will build the fire and one of you will cook the burgers I packed on the camping stove."

"What's a camping stove?" Nick laughed through his nose.

"It's a _camping stove_ Nick!" Schmidt snapped, "It's the technical term for-"

"Just say the gas fire, you idiot." Nick laughed again.

"Everything is just a big joke to you, Nick," Schmidt said dramatically, "You don't take anything seriously."

"Not when you call me Nicholas and use words like 'stove'." Nick grumbled.

"Find some wood, Nick," Schmidt said, as he and Winston walked away, "If we die in this cold it will be your fault."

"My fault?" Nick repeated, turning to face Jess, "Can you believe that guy?"

"No," Jess smirked, "But he's right. We should really build a fire soon." 

"Alright, let's go," Nick inclined his head in the direction of the trees.

Jess followed Nick, walking two steps behind him, and found herself staring at the back of his head more focusing on looking for wood to collect. Jess thought that Nick Miller was interesting. She relaxed into the warmth of his jacket, suddenly noticing the way it smelled like him. It was that particular boy-smell that Jess couldn't really describe. Skin and breath and warmth. She watched him walk in front of her. He was kind - kinder than he knew, kinder than he'd ever admit. And yet, there was something brewing, just beneath the surface. She saw it in the way his knuckles turned white against the neck of a bottle, saw it in the way he would suddenly tune out of conversations, how his gaze would darken, like he was remembering something, someone. Someone he missed or someone he didn't, Jess wasn't sure. She didn't know much about his life – she didn't ask. She knew his Mom had passed away about a year ago. Everyone at school knew. But his dad? She had never asked. She wasn't sure how to - and if she ever did ask, he'd probably just smile at her and tell her not to worry. He was always telling her not to worry, always guarding her, caring more about everyone else at the table than himself. He had never spoken about his feelings – none of the guys ever did. Was he lonely? She could never ask him that. But, was he? She stared at his head, wishing she could see what he was thinking. She noticed that his hair was a tiny bit longer than it had been when she had first sat down at his lunch table - and messy, as if he had just rolled out of bed. Jess smiled to herself. She noticed that he was also taller than she had initially assumed. A head taller than her, at least. When they walked side-by-side at school, she noticed that she fit perfectly into the space beneath his shoulder. He could easily swing his arm around her, if that were allowed. She paused as he bent down to scout the ground beneath the trees for fallen branches. His coat collar was half folded down, half sticking up. She reached out instinctively to flatten the side that was sticking up, and then drew her hand back. _He'd probably think I'm weird_ , Jess thought, and then swallowed evenly as he turned to face her, his brown eyes finding hers in the dark.

"This lot looks good. It's dry at least. Want to help me carry it?" Nick asked.

"Sure," Jess replied, wetting her lips. He handed her an armful of branches, and brushed away a strand of her hair that had gotten caught on a twig. Jess blinked up at him. He was close. They were close. Jess took a step back. _I am weird_ , Jess thought, _why are you acting like this, you dummy? He's your friend._

"What's up, Jess?" Nick asked.

"Nothing," Jess said, attempting to act casual, "Just thinking about how I can totally carry more branches than you back to camp."

"Oh, really?A challenge? Who do you think I am, Jess? I will smoke you. I can carry every damn branch around." Nick said, bending down to add more branches to his pile.

"I will smoke _you_ , Miller. I'll smoke you all the way back home." Jess retorted, crouching to grab twigs from the ground.

"Oh yeah? Well, I will cut down the entire forest and carry it _all the way back home_." Nick said, attempting to add a huge log to the top of his pile. The bundle of wood in his arms had risen so that he could hardly see over the top of it.

"I will carry your branches and my branches and the entire forest all the way back home!" Jess yelled, as a few pieces of wood fell from both their piles.

"I will carry _you_ and your branches and my branches and the entire forest all the way back to camp, right now." Nick said, throwing his wood on the ground and picking Jess up. He tossed her over his shoulder with surprising ease, and Jess dropped her wood as she was scooped up.

"Nick, no!" She managed through laughs, as Nick began to spin around in a circle, "I dropped all mine – and you dropped all yours. Schmidt will kill us! Nick!"

"Alright, I'm dying." Nick said breathlessly, as he placed Jess on the floor gently. His hands lingered against her ribs for a moment while he caught his breath.

"You're crazy," Jess said, though she couldn't stop laughing, "I'll- I'll go pick those up."

Nick caught his breath and then cleared his throat before joining Jess. He crouched down and started picking up branches and some of the smaller logs. They collected the wood in silence, and when Jess tried to catch Nick's gaze with her own, he stood up quickly and began walking back to the tent.

Jess sighed and followed him. It still felt warm where his hands had curved around her ribs and she silently cursed herself. It still felt warm where he had touched her and she had liked it when he had touched her and she thought, _don't do this_.

She thought: _You have a boyfriend. Nick is your friend. Don't do this. Don't ruin everything_.

...

When Jess and Nick arrived back at the tent, Schmidt was methodically building his fire in the pit he had created out of nearby rocks. He constructed a pyramid out of the bigger logs that he and Winston had collected, sprinkled fire lighters around the wood and ripped up newspaper for kindling. Jess tossed her branches on top of Winston and Schmidt's impressive collection.

"That's all you found?" Schmidt asked, as he lit the kindling, "Amateurs."

As Schmidt blew gently on the tiny flame that caught in the centre of the pit, Nick walked over to the tent and passed everyone a beer. Jess grinned as he handed her the open bottle and mouthed, 'Amateur'. Nick laughed and took a sip of beer.

"Want to open one more of those, Nick?" A shadowy figure stalked down the bank and towards them.

"Cece!" Jess exclaimed, running over to greet her friend with a hug, "What are you doing here?"

"I was invited- and my original plans fell through, so-" Cece muttered into Jess' shoulder.

"What? Cece?" Jess asked, sensing a slash of darkness in Cece's tone.

"It's Jesse. He was supposed to take me to a party but he never called. He bailed." Cece said quietly.

"Maybe the party was cancelled?" Jess offered.

"Yeah, maybe." Cece said with a shrug.

"Boys are- boys are so dumb. Am I right?" Schmidt grabbed the beer bottle from Nick's hand and rushed over to hand it to Cece.

"Right." Cece repeated, a small smile creeping onto her lips.

"Boys are the worst!" Jess exclaimed, clinking her bottle against Cece's.

"Thanks everybody." Cece said.

"Schmidt?" Jess asked, "Is your fire okay?"

"What?" Schmidt asked, tearing his gaze away from Cece long enough to look at the failing flame, "Damn it!"

"Cece," Jess whispered urgently, as soon as Schmidt was pre-occupied with lighting the fire again, "I want to talk to you."

"Okay," Cece allowed herself to be pulled away, towards the trees. She regarded Jess for a second. Jess' cheeks were flushed pink and her eyes were wide and starry. A side effect of the beer, no doubt. Cece quirked an eyebrow. This was new for her – seeing Jess drinking alcohol. Jess never drank. Jess never stayed out late. Jess certainly never camped in the woods. Jess went on bike rides and did craft projects and read books. Cece felt Jess' hand tighten around her own as they walked deeper into the trees and suddenly came to a stop.

Jess whipped around, and Cece noticed for the first time how funny her friend looked in that too-big puffy jacket. Cece smiled, and then paused as she noticed the urgency in Jess' eyes.

"I have something to tell you." Jess pressed her lips together.

"You can tell me anything." Cece said softly.

"And you won't judge me? No matter how weird it sounds?" Jess swallowed, worried.

Cece raised an eyebrow and Jess let out a long sigh.

"I have just been feeling like I- I think I want to kiss Nick." Jess said finally.

"Nick? Nick Miller?" Cece said blankly.

"Yes. _Yes_. I just- when we're talking, I sometimes get this kind of fluttery urge to just- to kiss him. I don't know," Jess groaned in frustration. "But I know I just need to just stop it and let it go. I'm with Spencer and Nick is becoming such a good friend. I don't want to screw up our friendship."

"It sounds like you maybe _like_ Nick a little bit, Jess." Cece said, and then she looked at the huge jacket Jess was wearing, realising it was Nick Miller's.

"I think I'm just- I don't know- confused? Spencer has been a jerk lately and Nick has been so nice to me. I like talking with him and laughing with him and being myself and- I know Nick takes care of us all in his own silly, goofy, grumpy way, but- I don't know, Cece," Jess buried her face in her hands. "What do you think I should do?"

"I just want you to be happy," Cece answered. "Would kissing Nick make you happy?"

"I just want to do the things I feel like doing and not overthink it. Why can't I just grab a guy and kiss him because I want to? Why do I have to over-analyse everything?" Jess asked in an urgent whisper.

"Because you're you, Jess." Cece answered.

"In any case, I can't just grab him and kiss him, no matter how much I might feel like it. I have to think about Spencer. That wouldn't be fair to him." Jess muttered, draining the last of her beer from the bottle.

"Maybe not," Cece said, "Sometimes things are complicated."

"Are things complicated with you and Jesse?" Jess asked.

"Sometimes," Cece replied.

"What should we do, Cece?" Jess asked.

"I think we should stand by the lake and look at the stars and the moon and then I think we should go have another beer." Cece said finally, smoothing down her friend's hair with her hand.

…

It had to be past midnight. For the first time that evening, Jess pulled out her phone to check the time. Jess squinted at the screen. 12:34 AM. Nothing from her parents – they thought she was staying over at Cece's. A few texts from Spencer, though – _Do you still want to go camping? S._ and _I'm ready to go when you are. Let me know. S._ and Never mind _– made other plans since you're obviously too busy. See you at school, I guess. S._ Jess winced, feeling ashamed. She hadn't even texted him to offer an excuse or an apology. At least he'd made other plans. Maybe he was having a better time. Deep down, she knew she was having a better time than she'd have camping with him. She had laughed so hard that now her stomach was sore. She never laughed like that with Spencer.

"Do you guys ever just wish it was time to graduate? Imagine getting out of this place, going somewhere bigger and better – going somewhere you can do anything you want and never worry." Cece said dreamily. She was lying on the ground, wrapped in her leather jacket. There were dead leaves caught in her hair and a lit cigarette between her fingers. Jess thought that she looked happy. Happy and beautiful.

"I don't want to graduate. Not yet." Schmidt said, yawning, "I mean, I don't even know what I want to do with my life."

"Do you think you'll go to college?" Cece asked.

"I won't." Nick said, laughing through his nose.

"You won't?" Jess found herself asking, "Why not?"

"What's the point? I don't feel like basically bankrupting myself so that the rich kids will get the better jobs in the end anyway." Nick muttered, shrugging.

"No- Nick- it's not about that. It's about doing something you love- finding yourself-" Jess started, her eyes widening.

"Finding yourself? Give me a break, Jess," Nick interrupted sharply, "I think I know all I need to know about myself."

"Then what do you plan to do?" Jess asked, folding her arms across her chest. Nick had never directed his blossoming bitterness at the world at her before. She knew she should leave it, but a small part of her couldn't help but speak her mind.

"I don't know," Nick said, his voice rising, "Have fun? Hang out? Who cares? It's boring, Jess. I don't have to decide between my limited choices right this second."

"Have fun? Hang out?" Jess repeated drily, "That's your passion in life?"

"Jess, just drop it." Winston said quietly.

"No, this is stupid. We're young, yeah, but we should be at least passionate about- about _something._ " Jess said, throwing her arms in the air.

"It's hard to be passionate about anything when people just _leave_ and turn your life to _shit_ , Jess." Nick snapped.

Jess inhaled sharply and she saw Schmidt and Winston both give a slight wince. Cece took a long draw from her cigarette.

"I'm sorry," Jess said finally, trying to make her voice sound soft and relaxed, "I'm just trying to help."

"If you want to help, just be a friend and don't talk about- about all that dumb stuff, okay? Just toss me another beer and keep making me laugh, okay, Jess?" Nick responded, looking firmly into her eyes.

"Okay. Okay." Jess nodded, offering him a small smile.

"Well, that was interesting," Cece said, smirking, "Girl tries to start a simple conversation about life and-"

"Cece, you will go to bigger and better places, I promise," Schmidt said, rolling his eyes, "With a face like that you could go anywhere you want. But smoking so much at such a young age could diminish your lung capacity. So, well, you may not be able to _run_ anywhere you want."

Cece rolled her eyes, but Jess saw her laugh to herself as she tilted her head away from the group.

"I wanna be an astronaut." Winston said, casting a glance towards the moon.

"Winston, we've talked about this." Nick closed his eyes and shook his head.

"You can't go to the moon if you're colour-blind." Schmidt said, "Or an idiot."

"We've all got to have dreams." Winston said sagely.

Jess laughed as her friends squabbled. Across from her, Nick gave her an apologetic look and she shook her head. He smiled and then ran a hand through his hair. Jess noticed that while he attempted to focus on the conversation, he kept catching her eye. Jess was the one who eventually looked away. A voice deep inside her was whispering ' _don't get attached'_ , was whispering ' _don't get stupid'_ , but she was so unsure whether to pay attention.

"Okay. I'm going to go pee." Nick announced, standing.

It had to be about 2AM. Jess looked at Nick Miller and smiled to herself. The alcohol pooled in her belly and she felt warm and invincible. She exhaled, excited. Need was blossoming in her stomach. It was spreading through her body like blood from a wound.

"Nick, wait. I'll go with you." Jess called after him.

"You'll go with me to pee?" He asked once she had caught up to him, wrinkling his nose in confusion.

"It's scary peeing alone in the dark, Nick." Jess replied.

"As long as I don't have to watch." Nick said, disgusted.

Jess followed Nick into the black-dark of the trees. They walked in silence for a minute or two, until they were away from the lake. Sheltered in the complete lack of light, Jess could still hear their friends laughing around the campfire. She stopped abruptly. Her heart did a somersault in her chest.

"Nick," She whispered thickly, "I didn't- I don't really need to pee, Nick. I followed you because I think we should- I think we should kiss."

Nick turned to face her slowly. In the dark, she couldn't quite read the expression on his face. Jess began to regret what she had just said - it seemed so reckless and stupid all of a sudden. Nick opened his mouth to respond. ' _But you have a boy back home_ ', Jess waited for him to say. But he didn't.

Nick's response was to sigh into the dark. Then, he moved forward - quicker than she thought possible - and grabbed her. He grabbed her, didn't kiss her, but pushed his hands against her roughly and clumsily. They stumbled backwards against a tree and Jess felt one of Nick's hands in her hair and the other at her shoulder – the material of the coat balled up in his fingers. He pressed his entire body up against hers. She felt dizzy with the rush of excitement. Nick inhaled sharply against her campfire-scented hair and then his mouth was suddenly hard at her mouth. She responded with equal ferocity, coaxing his mouth open. They kissed for a minute, desperate and messy, then he pulled away.

"Jess," he growled, his voice low and laced with want, "You're so- I can't tell you how much I've wanted to-"

"Let's lie down," She responded breathlessly, cutting him off. His hands traced her hips and she tried to lower them onto the rocky ground.

Nick kissed her again fiercely and Jess closed her eyes. She could feel a hard, wooden knot of the tree in the small of her back and Nick's hand tangled in the layers of her clothes and she tossed back her head and sighed and thought that nothing – nothing – could ever feel as good as this. Nick's teeth nipped her bottom lip and she wondered where he'd learned to kiss like that – wild and free and incredible – and then she noticed the light that was levelled at them.

Her eyes snapped open and she pushed herself forward, off from where she lay against the tree and she grabbed Nick by the shoulders, pushing him away so there was distance between them. They both turned to where Winston stood, pointing his torch towards them, his mouth wide open in shock.

"Uh-" Winston began, before quickly turning around and walking away.

Jess and Nick stood for a moment, frozen in place. Jess was about to groan in horror when Nick started chuckling. She looked up at him. Her eyes had adjusted so that she could see his face. He chuckled and his brown eyes caught the moonlight for a moment and Jess couldn't stop herself from chuckling with him. They laughed together, his hands still gripping her waist, her hands still flat against his shoulders. The material of his checked shirt felt rough against her palms and she had to stop her fingers from curling into it. They laughed and Jess knew the horror and the guilt and the regret would feel terrible in the morning, but she allowed herself to laugh at herself, and Nick and Winston's face, because she couldn't think about Spencer, not yet.

Nick held out his hand and she took it and they walked back to the fire, stumbling over the tree roots and uneven ground. They were graceless, shameless, and made sure to stand a metre apart when they were finally in their friends' line of vision.

Jess swallowed and sighed as she sat back down on the log, letting the tipsiness eclipse the brewing whirlwind of guilt and shame.

Jess's eyes met Cece's as she sat down and she offered a shy smile. Cece raised her eyebrows as if asking a question. Jess shook her head.

 _How did I end up here?_ She thought to herself. All at once, Jessica Day felt that she was completely lost and that she was exactly where she'd wanted and needed to be her entire life. She closed her eyes, and then turned to her friends. Her eyes found Nick Miller's, just for a second, and then she looked away, towards the lake.


	4. I Used to be Golden

**Ripped Tights**  
 **Chapter Four – I Used to be Golden**

Jessica Day felt like a traitor. A terrible, treacherous traitor.

It was Sunday and the sky outside her bedroom window was as white as bone. Music flooded into her every atom of her being from her earphones. She had a playlist for days like this – days when the world was drained of colour and warmth - and the sad music made her even sadder. She never through she'd pine again. She had thought she was done with pining. Yet here she was.

Jess sighed and pulled out her notebooks – she had homework due on Monday. Usually, Jess had her homework completed by Friday night - Saturday night at the latest – but right now, she just couldn't concentrate. She was supposed to have read two chapters and finished a report on them by tomorrow morning. She couldn't even get past the first page. She read paragraph after paragraph. The words didn't connect into sentences. The words glided through her, ghost-like. She tossed the book aside and started doodling in her notebook.

 _These days, these days / These days I seem to think a lot / About the things that I forgot to do / And all the times I had the chance to,_ Nico sang through the headphones. There it was – that ache, that space. It was when you started to like a boy and didn't know how to stop. Everything reminded you of something different. The empty bottles, the dead leaves. How could so much change in a week? Jess scowled and lay down on her bed. _It's just a tiny, stupid crush_ , she thought, _a dumb crush. You've had crushes before – fleeting, non-permanent, over before you know it_.

Even so, Jess decided she would have to break up with Spencer. If she was developing crushes on other guys – no matter how tiny those crushes were – it meant he wasn't right for her. Deep down, she had always known he wasn't right for her. She had just delighted in his attention. He had made her feel special, pretty, for a week or two. Then she realised she'd rather be somewhere else be talking and laughing with someone else – she'd rather not follow his bike down uncertain paths. She remembered her fingers – how they'd squeezed against the breaks. She remembered how she'd closed her eyes. How could she have let this go on?

And now – and now she'd let everything get tangled up. She'd gone too far – she'd actually kissed someone else, she had not just thought about it, but done it as well. It was unacceptable. Guilt and panic rose in her chest, blooming like flowers. At thirteen, she had told Cece that cheating was unforgivable, selfish and unkind, that it was never okay. That was over two years ago, and here she was. Thirteen-year-old Jess would be ashamed. Thirteen-year-old Cece, however, would have smiled and shrugged. Youth, fun, urgency, going after what you want. That's what Cece would have preached. But Jess knew that feelings were fragile, and should be protected. Jess brought her hands to her face, trying not to cry. Although – _would Spencer even care?_ A lot of the time he seemed bored, annoyed, embarrassed even. Then again - "I really like you." - Spencer had told her that with his thumb grazing her cheek. What if her reckless behaviour actually did hurt him? "I really like you." Did she really like him too? The music swelled in her mind. No. No, she didn't. She wanted something else. Something – _different_. Not him, not this. She had to break it off – before things got too messy, too confused.

Jess paused the music. When she had gotten home early yesterday morning, feeling light-headed from lack of sleep, she had peeked into the kitchen to find her parents arguing over breakfast. They barely acknowledged her returning. They had just asked her how her sleepover with Cece had been and lapsed into a tense silence. Even now, that tense silence permeated through the walls of the house. Jess turned the music back on.

 _Enough moping, you weirdo,_ Jess thought suddenly, _you're better than this. Happy music. Now. Happy music, and then, fixing your life._

Jess flipped over to her 'Showtunes!' playlist and opened her book. She finished her report by sundown and fell into a deep, deep sleep as the rain began tapping at the window.

…

By morning, it became clear that a storm had brewed into being overnight. Jess pulled a raincoat on over her black sweater and tucked her hair into the hood. Riding to school, her brain was full of thoughts on Victor Hugo, and everything felt like it was back to normal for a while. Jess approached the school, her bike skidding through the gathering puddles. The sky was full of ominous purple clouds which held the promise of thunder. As Jess went to chain her bike to the racks round the back with her hair spilling out of her hood, she was stopped dead in her tracks by the sight of Spencer.

"Hey." She said weakly, her hands tightening on the handlebars.

Spencer took off his helmet and tossed his hair back in the rain, all the while glaring at Jess. As she stood still with her bike, he pushed past her and made his way into the school. Jess sighed. _Silent treatment, huh?_ She though to herself sadly, _That ought to make breaking up with him much easier_.

...

Jess watched the raindrops travel down the glass as her teacher, Mr Mateo, spoke passionately about the themes and style of _Les Miserables_.

As the lesson drew to a close, Jess pulled out her report. She walked solemnly up to Mr Mateo's desk and handed it to him.

"Did you enjoy the first couple of chapters, Miss Day?" Mr Mateo asked, slipping her report into the pile of papers.

"I did, yeah." Jess muttered, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

"You seemed a bit distracted in class today." Mr Mateo said directly.

"I'm sorry. I'll do better next time, I promise." Jess said hurriedly. She never, ever got into trouble. Her heart started beating fast.

"That's okay, Jess. I'm sure your report will show what you're capable of – I've heard you're a very bright student." Mr Mateo went on. He had a reputation for being a relatively relaxed teacher – a cool teacher, even.

"This class is great," Jess said eagerly, "I'm really looking forward to reading all the books you've chosen."

"Have you heard of the MacGregor programme, Jess?" Mr Mateo asked, resting a hand against his beard, "It's an exchange programme. We offer one student here a chance to study abroad for a semester. In this class, for instance, we offer a student a chance to study in Paris – the home of French Literature. If you'd like to apply, let me know. I'll give you a form to fill in. Who knows – you could end up spending next semester in the country of Victor Hugo."

"Right," Jess said, "Thanks for letting me know. I'll think about it, Mr Mateo."

"You do that," Mr Mateo responded, grabbing his briefcase as he stood up, "Now go have fun with your friends at lunch."

…

Jess carried her tray toward her new regular table. She noticed her friends were there already – Cece was shaking her head at something Schmidt was saying. Nick and Winston looked like they were involved in a heated discussion. Nick looked flustered. Jess felt a flutter in her stomach that she tried to ignore. She and Nick had barely spoken on Saturday morning – neither at the camp site nor in the car. She had purposefully stared silently out of the window, ignoring him. He'd mumbled a goodbye as she'd left, but he hadn't texted at all on Sunday. That was fine. She hadn't texted him either. She shifted, overcome by an uncomfortable thought: she wasn't sure how drunk he had been – did he even remember what had happened?

"Jess, hey!" He greeted her as she sat down. There was nothing out of the ordinary about his tone or expression. Jess smiled as she returned his greeting. _So far, so normal_ , she thought, relieved.

"Jess, thank _god_ ," Cece said, giving Jess a look that she didn't quite understand, "These guys are driving me crazy."

"Jess, you'll never believe it," Nick said, a goofy grin on his face, "Caroline emailed me yesterday."

"She did?" Jess asked, raising her eyebrows. Winston caught her gaze and held it for a second. If Nick didn't remember their kiss, Winston certainly did. The image was probably etched into his brain. She forced herself to look neutral as she broke their eye contact.

"Yeah – when I got home there was an email waiting for me," Nick continued, "It wasn't too long. She just said that Europe sucked and that the food sucked and that school sucked and that- and that she missed me."

"Sounds interesting." Jess said, kicking Cece under the table. Her friend was looking at her as if she were a kicked puppy and that wasn't at all what she needed.

"Can you believe that? _She_ misses _me_. I mean – she dumped me. She dumped me and left the country. Now she says she misses me. What am I supposed to do with that? What do you think it means?" Nick asked, looking around at everyone at the table with wild eyes.

"And they say girls overanalyse everything." Jess said drily, rolling her eyes.

"Overanalysing Caroline's texts and emails is the closest thing Nick has to a hobby," Schmidt said, taking a drink of water.

Jess looked from Nick to Winston to Cece and for a moment, felt a desperate urge to stand up and leave. She had resolved not to wear her heart on her sleeve, to act cool, but that was proving difficult. How could Nick kiss her and then obsess over Caroline's messages? No – that wasn't fair. How could _she_ kiss Nick when she had a boyfriend? That was the real question, the real issue. That was the problem she had to fix.

"So, Jess," Cece said breezily, "How was English?"

"Fine," Jess said, poking at a french fry with her fork, "We talked about the book. I kind of spaced out for a while. Mr Mateo told me all about this exchange programme to Paris. Boring stuff."

"An exchange programme to Paris?" Cece's eyes widened, "Are you going to think about it?"

Jess shrugged.

"Can we talk about my problems for a minute?" Nick asked, flustered, "How do I respond to this email?"

"Man, I wish I could listen to my 'Showtunes!' playlist." Jess muttered under her breath.

"What?" Nick snapped.

"Nothing," Jess sighed, "Look, Nick, it's easy. How do you feel about Caroline?"

"I- I don't know. I haven't thought about it that much recently. I guess I miss her too. I mean, I miss having someone who's always there and always down to goof around. When she was around, it was like - I had this role. I was a boyfriend, and I think that I was good at it. I miss that." Nick looked down at the table, "I miss...everything."

"Right," Jess said finally, "Then you should tell her that."

"You think so?" Nick asked, looking up at Jess.

"We should all go after what we want, right?" Jess said, keeping her eyes fixed on Nick's. His brow furrowed slightly, confused.

Schmidt's eyes darted from Nick to Jess to Winston to Cece. He opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted. The bell rang, signalling the end of lunch, and slashing through the uncomfortable silence.

Jessica Day cleared her tray wordlessly and hurried to her next class, ignoring Winston's sympathetic smiles and Cece's hand squeezing her shoulder. She didn't need it. She didn't need any of it.

…

Jess waited at the bike racks until Spencer showed up. The rain had settled for the day and the dark rain-clouds had moved on. The school grounds were still littered with puddles, but there was a sliver of blue sky through the white clouds. Jess assumed that was a sign, a signal. Lucky blue sky – it was prettier than any colour. She leant back against the wall.

Spencer regarded Jess coolly as he unchained his bike from the metal rack.

"Do you want to cycle home together?" She asked, her arms crossed tight over her chest.

"Why should I say yes? You'll probably just bail again." Spencer commented bitterly.

"I won't." She assured him softly.

"I waited all Friday night for you to text or call. Nothing. And then silence all weekend. I thought we had decided to spend the night together? Is this about the helmet thing? I told you I'm over it." Spencer said, remaining distant from Jess.

"It's not about the helmet thing. I'm sorry I didn't call." Jess said, moving forwards.

"Are you into this, Jess? Because I don't think you are, and to be honest, I don't really care. I don't really need your flakiness in my life. Indecisiveness is so immature, you know?" Spencer said, giving a light shrug.

Jess was taken aback – she hadn't expected him to say that. She flinched, as if suddenly wounded. Her flakiness? Did the words hurt so much because they were true? Was her flakiness causing all of these problems? Is that what she wanted to be – a flaky person? Or did the words hurt because she didn't _really_ want to leave Spencer and hadn't really realised that until now? Maybe it was Nick Miller - with his brown eyes and his bedhead and the scent of booze caught on his breath – who had messed everything up. _No, no, no_. _You're supposed to be fixing things. Don't get caught out._ But suddenly, she didn't know what to think. Suddenly, she lost her nerve. Suddenly, she was running off, away from Spencer and away from the school and away from everything. She heard Spencer calling after her. She heard him shout that she'd forgotten her bike. She didn't care. She needed to run. Things could stay broken. For one more day, things could stay broken.

That night, the thunder roared.

…

"Have you gone completely crazy?" Cece tapped her nails against the cubicle door, "It's Tuesday, it's lunch time and you're locked in the bathroom. What happened, Jess?"

"I don't know," Jess groaned. Trust Cece to track her down. "Boys are- and I'm- I had to walk through the rain today because my bike- I- Nick- and- _I don't know where to sit_ , Cece."

"What are you talking about? You sit with me. You sit with me, and if you want to, with our new friends. What's the problem?" Cece said quietly against the door.

"I don't know." Jess muttered.

"If you like Nick, you should tell him." Cece said softly.

"I- It was just a dumb crush, Cece. But with Spencer- I don't know how to end it with him, or if I even should. Maybe I was neglecting him, getting too focused on another boy – maybe I should start over with him. Maybe I need to be someone's girlfriend – just like Nick needs to be someone's boyfriend." Jess babbled, fiddling with the bathroom lock.

"Is that what this is about?" Cece asked, "You're jealous of this Caroline girl?"

"No," Jess protested, horrified. Jealous was a dirty word. "It's just got me thinking – about relationships and what works and what doesn't and-"

"It's okay to be jealous, Jess – and it's okay if you're not. It's okay if it was just a big, dumb crush that you're now totally over. But if you're going to stay with Spencer, please, for the love of god, stay with him because _you_ want to. Because more than any of those things, it's okay to be by yourself, Jess." Cece said, "Now come out."

Jess unlocked the door and glared lovingly at her best friend. Cecilia Parekh was truly one of the greatest human beings on the planet.

Jess linked arms with Cece as they walked into the lunch room.

"Ladies," Schmidt sighed in relief as they approached, "We were beginning to think you wouldn't show. Us boys can't go back to eating alone. You know how that would affect our street cred, don't you?"

"What street cred?" Cece asked, raising an eyebrow.

"So how about that storm?" Winston asked, trying to change the subject. Beside him, Nick was typing hurriedly on his laptop. He had hardly even glanced at Jess and Cece since they had sat down.

"I just hope the party isn't cancelled." Schmidt said flippantly.

"I love storms – they're so exciting. That thunder last night was beyond cool." Jess said, purposefully ignoring the clacking sound of Nick's furious typing.

"I said I hope the _party_ isn't cancelled." Schmidt repeated loudly.

"What party, Schmidt?" Cece asked, rolling her eyes.

"Only the coolest party of the semester," Schmidt explained, grinning, "Benjamin's Fall Blowout. I did some social networking and managed to get us all invited. Hashtag you're welcome."

"No real life hashtagging." Nick snapped, not looking up from his computer.

"It's this Saturday," Schmidt continued excitedly, "Anyone who's anyone is going to be there. I think this is my moment."

"What moment?" Cece asked, frowning.

"You didn't used to be like this, man," Winston said, shaking his head, "We used to be enough for you, you social-climber."

"Do we have to go to a party?" Jess groaned, "Can we not go to, I don't know, an aquarium or something?"

"An aquarium?" Schmidt shook his head, "No. There is no alcohol at an aquarium. There are _none_ of the coolest girls in school at an aquarium."

"If Cece and I were in a shark tunnel, there would be, am I right?" Jess laughed.

"Jess, a party could be fun," Cece said pointedly, "Especially for a single girl."

Nick's gaze flicked up from his computer screen for the first time since they sat down. He looked at Jess.

"You're single? You finally dumped Spencer? Good for you." He said, giving a nod of approval.

"I have _not_ dumped Spencer," Jess said in a hushed voice, glaring at Cece.

"How's that email going, Nick?" Schmidt asked, "You've worked on it enough. Is Caroline jumping on a plane yet?"

"I have not dumped Spencer," Jess repeated heatedly, "In fact, I'm supposed to go sit with him for the second half of the lunch break – so if you'll excuse me."

Jessica Day stormed over to the front of the lunch room to sit next to Spencer. Her boyfriend regarded her coolly for a moment before slinging an arm over her shoulder. She sighed. She didn't look back. Jess wasn't even sure if she cared whether Nick Miller had watched her go or not.

He had.

…

Nick Miller was a mess. He had been formulating a response to Caroline all week. It was hard. His friends were useless. Their advice was unhelpful. Jess hadn't even sat with them since Tuesday afternoon. Sometimes he caught a glimpse of her sitting over at Spencer's table, her dark hair shaking as she laughed. He inhaled deeply. What was this girl doing to him?

He had kissed her - it had been electric, exciting. At the time he had thought – why haven't we been kissing since the beginning? Those eyes on his, that silky hair between his fingers, his mouth hard upon hers – it had been perfect. He hadn't wanted the moment to end. _Damn Winston_ , Nick thought.

In the morning, she barely said a word to him. She had forgotten the kiss. Of course she had – she'd had a lot of beer - enough beer to make her want to kiss someone like him in the first place. She hadn't remembered and she still had a boyfriend and there wasn't even time for that to eat him up inside because he had gotten home to a landmine of an email from Caroline that had sent his brain spinning.

Girls were so confusing.

So Jess was with Spencer and she couldn't remember that she had kissed him and seemed disinterested anyway. Caroline was there – actually telling him that she missed him. Who cares if they fought all the time and made each other miserable? Shared misery was better than crushing loneliness, wasn't it? He laughed. He typed up reply after reply. He discarded drafts, erased phrases. He couldn't get it done. His thoughts were too focused on a girl who was sitting at another lunch table, with another guy's arm around her shoulders. She was laughing at his jokes. He wanted to make her laugh like that – he had thought he _had_ made her laugh like that. _Wait_ \- he thought, _not like that. Softer, gentler. Real._ He frowned and slammed the laptop shut.

Lunch was the worst. He couldn't wait for gym.

…

It was a Saturday and Jess had never known a storm to last so long. After the somewhat over-dramatic move of locking herself in a bathroom stall, she had spent the remainder of the week hanging out with Spencer and his friends. At first it had been okay, but eventually she couldn't stand the banal, repetitive conversations. She missed laughing with her new friends – she missed making fun of the boys with Cece, teasing one another and coming up with new inside jokes. She missed being herself – acting unguarded. Mostly, she had realised that she hadn't really talked to Nick Miller all week and she regretted it. Her heart regretted it. Maybe she was jealous. Maybe she wanted to kiss him again. One thing was certain: if she didn't want to mess up her friendship group, she had better let it go. Whatever _it_ was. They were supposed to be going to this stupid party tonight. All Jess really wanted to do was listen to music in bed or watch a stupid movie while eating Oreos out of the packet. Cece and Schmidt were determined to go, though, so Jess wandered over to her wardrobe to pick out an outfit. It would be fine. It could even be fun. Whatever happened, she would _try_ to have fun. Whatever happened, she would stay clear of booze.

Jess picked out a floral patterned top and a long black skirt. She tied her hair in a messy bun and then attached a polka dot bow. Jess never really wore much make-up other than mascara and concealer, but Cece had been teaching her how to apply eyeliner, so she decided to give that a try. A few failed attempts later, and Jess thought she looked passable. Pretty. She put one hand on her hip and relaxed, inspecting her reflection. She then walked across to her dressing table and spritzed perfume on her wrists and neck. She wondered if Nick Miller would notice her perfume. Would he like it? She shook her head, banishing the question.

Her parents were out – dinner at a friend's house. They had bickered as they made their way to the car. She wondered if their night would be worse than her own. They said they would be back at midnight, so that gave her a window of time to hit the party for a few hours. They didn't even need to know she'd left her room.

As if on cue, she heard the low bellow of the car horn outside. She pulled on her jacket and stole one last glance at herself in the mirror before heading out to the Schmidt family car.

"Where's Cece?" Jess asked the three boys in the car.

"Classic Cecilia – she said she would 'hook up with us later' – whatever that means. I think it means her man friend called." Schmidt muttered darkly.

"Well, look, I don't really want to come if Cece's not coming." Jess said.

"Jess, no, you _have_ to come." Winston said.

"Cece will be there. She _will_." Schmidt insisted.

"Yeah, it'll be no fun without you." Nick called from the back seat. Jess watched him through the window.

Jess rolled her eyes and then climbed in beside him.

"You look great, Day," Nick said, smiling. She turned to face him, returning his smile. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans and he looked so happy to see her and oh, she had missed him. "What is that? Perfume? You smell like a damn rose garden. Nice."

She had missed him terribly.

…

The party was in full swing by the time they got there. Jess walked through the hallway toward the lounge. The lights were low – an ambient, pink-tinged glow illuminating the room. Electro music bubbled and bounced from wall to wall. Jess couldn't make out the words. The air smelled thick and sweet – like fruit punch and deodorant and sweat. Some people danced in a cluster in the corner of the room. Most of the guests sat lazily around tables, chatting loudly. Jess folded her arms.

Almost immediately, Schmidt began talking to a slim brunette in a silver dress. Jess recognised the girl – she was older than they were, and very popular. Nevertheless, she seemed impressed by whatever Schmidt was saying to her. Jess imagined they'd be lost in conversation for a while. She turned to Nick and Winston, who looked as lost as she felt.

"So, should we like, mingle or something?" Jess asked.

Nick and Winston surveyed the room silently. _That would be a no, then_ , Jess thought.

"We should bust some moves on that dance floor is all I'm saying," Winston said, raising his voice over the music.

"I need to be way more drunk to bust some moves, Winston," Nick said, wrinkling his nose, "I'll go grab us some beers."

"Not me," Jess said suddenly, "I'm laying off the booze tonight, Miller. An ice water will be just fine."

"You sure, Jess?" Nick asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Positive," Jess nodded.

"Well, alright. Two beers and one ice water coming up." Nick said before heading over towards the kitchen.

"I know your game, Jessica Day," Winston said, looking at Jess knowingly as soon as Nick was out of earshot.

"And what's that, Winston?" Jess asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You're setting yourself up for failure. If you want to kiss Nick again, you will. Not drinking booze isn't going to change that," Winston said, shrugging.

"That's not my game, Winston," Jess replied, "What you saw before- that was a mistake. Can we forget it?"

"That's what you both want, isn't it? To forget it and go back to being buddies? But maybe you two aren't supposed to be buddies. Maybe you should stop acting so childish," Winston said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some shapes to throw all over this dance floor."

Jess watched Winston shimmy over to the dance floor. It didn't take long for some girls to approach him and join in. They were a couple of cute girls from the grade below them. _Damn Winston_ , Jess thought, _he gets the moves, the girls and the wisdom_. Being called childish by Winston was truly a bit of an eye-opener. Jess shook her head, smirking, as Winston and the two girls started drawing the attention of a crowd. They really were tearing it up.

"Here's your ice water, Jess," Nick said, reappearing with two beers in one hand and a cold glass of water in the other.

Jess stared at him for a moment before laughing.

"Just give me a beer, Miller," she said, taking Winston's beer out of his hand.

"I thought-" Nick started, confused, "Okay – I'll go grab Winnie another."

As Jess sipped on her beer, someone approached her from the left. Jess turned, expecting Cece.

"You're Spencer's chick, aren't you?" The curly-haired boy asked.

"Uh- yeah-" Jess replied slowly, "Who are you?"

"I'm Benjamin. This is my party." Benjamin said smugly.

"Well, it's a very nice party, Benjamin. Top notch, really." Jess said awkwardly.

"Who are you here with? I know I didn't invite Spencer. The guy is a freak, always talking about the environment. Like, how is recycling going to help us at this point anyway? Am I right?" Benjamin said, laughing.

"I don't know," Jess answered, shrugging, "I'm here with Schmidt, so."

"Oh, Schmidt. Remember when he used to be fat? I suppose if he were still fat, you wouldn't even be here, because I wouldn't have invited him. I guess him shedding the pounds was a blessing to us all." Benjamin continued, leaning in.

"What does that mean?" Jess asked, eager to end the unpleasant conversation.

"It means that you're a hottie, hottie," Benjamin said with a wink, "I'll see you around."

 _Ugh_ , Jess thought, as Benjamin walked away to mingle with some other party guests, _what a creep._

"Benjamin bothering you?" Nick asked, as he walked up with a handful of open beers, "The guy is such a penis."

Jess snorted through her nose.

"He really is." She agreed, nodding.

"So you having fun yet or what?" Nick asked, leaning against the wall beside her.

"Maybe," Jess said, her gaze travelling from his eyes to his lips, "Not sure yet,"

"You- uh, you wanna dance?" Nick asked, looking down at his bottle.

"Not really. I think I'll just wait for Cece," Jess said, "But you go ahead. I bet you and Winston are a good double act."

"Oh, you have no idea." Nick said, before heading towards the dance floor.

He was right. She really had no idea.

Jess spent the next hour or so drinking beers, laughing at Winston and Nick, and making small talk with girls from her classes. There was no sign of Cece. Schmidt and the brunette had disappeared, which surprised Jess. Maybe he could blossom into quite the ladykiller one day.

Jess checked the time. She still had a while before she had to head home, but she wasn't sure what to do. Schmidt was occupied. Nick and Winston had started chatting to the two girls who had been dancing with them. She knew she couldn't go over there. It would cramp their style. She looked over once again. Nick was smiling, running a hand through his hair. Her brain was buzzing with thoughts and feelings that she couldn't describe. She clenched her teeth. It was bothering her. It was really bothering her. She _was_ jealous and it was ugly and suffocating. She drained the beer from her bottle. _Where are you Cece?_ Jess thought desperately.

 _I'll go to the bathroom_ , Jess thought, sadly, _I'll go to the bathroom then I'll slip out and leave. It's not that far to my house and the walk will clear my head. They don't even have to know I've gone._

Jess went to the bathroom. She splashed water on her face. As she made her way back downstairs, Benjamin gave her a creepy, lingering look. She scowled at him and made her way towards the door. She looked back, just once, and saw Nick Miller smiling at another girl and it felt like there were icy fingers clawing at her heart. She stepped outside and the cold air felt kind in comparison.

...

It was raining outside. The ground was slick with it. The streetlamps were reflected in it. Jess bit her lip and pulled her hood tight over her head before dashing out into the rain alone.

"Jess!" Nick was calling after her. _Of course he is_ , she thought. She could never, ever slip out unnoticed while he was around. She was secretly delighted. She was secretly horrified. "Wait up!"

Jess stopped, but didn't turn around to face him as he approached. She stared down at her combat boots, watching the rain wash them shiny and clean. She hated feeling like this. She hated feeling so torn and lonely and tumultuous. She hated showing Nick this ugly part of herself – the part that caused her to run out into the rain by herself when things got tough, when things weren't working out, when everything made her act crazy and cold. She wanted Nick to see her as cheerful and funny and happy. She only wanted him to see the shiny, bright parts. She curled her hands into fists. Her fingers were wet and numb from the rain.

"What are you doing, dummy?" He asked, catching his breath. He wasn't wearing a jacket and the rain began to soak his hoodie almost immediately. "You feeling okay? You want me to walk you home or something?"

"I just- I don't feel like being around people who aren't you." She admitted eventually, her voice cracking slightly. She closed her eyes tightly, willing herself not to cry.

Nick was silent for a moment as he regarded her with curious brown eyes. Then, he sighed and nodded.

"Okay," he said, "Okay, let's go."

Jess looked up at him. His hair was flattened. The dark brown strands curled slightly in the rain. She followed a drip travel down his nose. He was perfect and she wanted him and she wished more than anything that he wanted her too.

"Right," she said sadly, "Let's go."

…

They ended up at the basement. They ran through a mile of rain, their feet kicking up the water from the puddles pooling in the streets. They were soaked by the time they ended up at Nick's house. As usual, there was no sign of his dad. Jess followed Nick down to the basement where he turned on the electric heater and handed her a towel.

Nick dried his hair as Jess hung her coat and his hoodie up to dry. They were soaked down to their t-shirts.

"I'll go get us some dry clothes." Nick muttered.

He found an old shirt of his for her to wear – dark forest green with long sleeves. They turned around to give each other privacy to change. Jess' numb fingers stumbled over the pearly buttons. It was so quiet, she could hear Nick's shallow breathing over the rhythmic hum of the electric heater.

Once they had changed, and dried the rain from their hair, they sat on the couch in silence.

"What do you want to do?" Nick asked awkwardly, "Do you want me to take you home? It is pretty late."

"No," Jess shook her head, "It's raining so heavily and- and I'm just- I'm just so tired, Nick. Do you think I could sleep on the couch? Just for tonight?"

"Of course, Jess," Nick said, "I'll go get you some blankets."

Nick climbed the stairs and Jess sunk into the couch, sighing. _What are you trying to do?_ She asked herself, her heart beating quick in her chest. _You shouldn't be here_. When he returned, he passed her the blanket and pillow. Jess noticed Nick Miller's gaze travel across her, lingering and conflicted. She inhaled deeply. She wanted to reach out and touch him, to squeeze his hand and to tell him she was so thankful that he took such good care of her, but she couldn't touch him. She felt like the world would stop spinning on its axis if she touched him. The world had to go on spinning, and so he had to climb the stairs and sleep in his own bed and really, Jess knew that she should go home. A good girl would go home.

But Jess didn't feel like a good girl.

"Nick?" She asked, as he started to leave, "Could you stay with me? Just until I get to sleep?"

Nick pressed his lips together and ran a hand through his hair.

"Is that what you really want?" He asked slowly, evenly. His voice was rough, his body tense.

"Yeah." Jess said in a voice that was not much louder than a whisper.

Nick climbed onto the couch and under the blanket beside her. Heat radiated from his body. His eyes never left hers. She swallowed thickly, and wordlessly, she turned away from him.

Under the blanket, they formed to the shape of each others bodies. Tentatively, Nick wrapped an arm around Jess. Slowly, they relaxed into one another, their breathing synchronising. Jess could feel the rise and fall of Nick's chest at her back. She wondered if his heart was beating as quickly as her own. As if hearing her thoughts, he intertwined his fingers with hers.

Jess thought about how he fit perfectly against her, like the sky against stars.

It was the last thing she could remember thinking before she fell asleep.

…

Jess woke up to the sight of sunlight pouring through the tiny basement window. It fell in a wide, golden column, speckled with glittering dust. Jess groaned, her head aching slightly. She eventually noticed Nick Miller, over on the other side of the room, folding his now-dry clothes into a neat pile.

"Hey," She said groggily, "Good Morning. Did you have good dreams?"

"Sort of," He muttered, not meeting her eyes.

"What did you dream about?" She asked. Her voice was laced with sleep.

"Nothing." He looked over at her, his gaze hard.

"Why are you all the way over there?" She asked, sitting up.

"Listen. We can't do this, Jess." Nick said finally, a muscle in his jaw tensing.

"Do what?" Jess asked. She had to feign innocence. Talking about anything real was too much. It was too confusing, too adult, too dangerous.

"You can't, you know, just ask me to join you in bed. You just can't. We can't do this again." Nick said firmly.

"Why not?" She asked. Her voice was very small. She felt like running away into the rainy night again. But it was daytime and the rain had stopped and she was in Nick Miller's basement, wearing his shirt, and she'd took it too far. She'd took it too far.

"Because you have a boyfriend, Jess. You have a boyfriend and you're one of my best friends and it's just too hard. It's- look- we can't do this again because if we do, I will find it too hard to stop myself from touching you," Nick said, looking away, "And you don't get it."

"I-" Jess started, ready to say that she _did_ get it, that she got it more than he could imagine, but he had made it clear. He'd said that she had a boyfriend, and that they were _best friends_ and she kicked the blanket away and stood up wildly because _this_ , this was the stupidest thing she had ever done.

"Let me walk you home." He said softly.

"No," She snapped, "Just stop. Stop offering to walk me home. You're right. I have a boyfriend and you're one of my best friends and best friends don't walk each other home, Nick, and I have to go."

He didn't stop her as she gathered her things. He didn't stop her as she pulled on her coat. He didn't stop her as she turned to go. But as she stormed up the stairs, he called her name, just once.

She turned to look at him. His brown eyes were dark, and fierce.

"Say hi to Spencer for me." He said coldly.

She slammed the door behind her.


	5. The One that Walked Away

**Ripped Tights**  
 **Chapter Five – The One that Walked Away**

As she walked home, Jessica Day realised three things: she definitely liked Nick Miller as more than a friend, she hadn't been fair to Nick Miller at all, and she was in so much trouble with her parents.

She checked her phone. There were missed calls from her parents - one at 1AM, another at 2AM, and another at 3AM. That was bad. That was so, so, so, so bad. She had huddled at the top of the stairs when they had been through this with Abby. She had hated seeing her Mom so upset – had hated Abby for being so selfish as to stay out all night without a word. Now she was the one walking home with mascara smudges under her eyes and rips in her tights. She made her way home torn between feeling disappointed in herself and feeling like she shouldn't have to apologise: she rarely ever went to parties. Up until now, her idea of fun had been reading in her room or having a movie night with Cece. _Things change, don't they?_ Jess thought to herself. Hopefully her parents would understand once she had apologised and explained.

Jess tentatively pushed open the door to her house. The radio was playing in the kitchen and she could smell bacon cooking. They were up already. Jess took a deep breath and walked through the kitchen door. Her Mom was cooking breakfast – her Dad was reading the paper at the table. They both turned to look at her.

"Before you say anything – give me a chance to apologise," Jess said carefully, holding out her hands in front of her, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for staying out all night and for not calling or leaving a message. I can't imagine how that must have felt. You must have been so worried – even more worried when I didn't answer the phone. And- okay, to tell you the truth, I _did_ sneak out while you guys were out. I wanted to- I wanted to go to a party, so I did. I just went. I intended to be home before you guys were back – not that that makes it any better. But I didn't make it back. I ended up falling asleep at a friend's house. I fell asleep and I missed you calls and I'm only just getting home now and I'm sorry, okay? I'm so, so sorry."

Her parents looked at her softly for a moment and Jess let out a breath. Then, her Mom's eyes narrowed and her Dad's face flushed red.

"What were you _thinking_?" Her Mom yelled.

"You stayed out all night! _You_. Jess, you're supposed to be the good girl! You're supposed to be the _best_ girl." Her Dad was saying, shaking his head.

"I-" Jess started.

"We were worried sick – we were up all night!" Her Mom went on.

"We don't need this from you right now, Jessica," Her Dad added.

"You went to a _party_? You fell asleep at a friend's house?" Her Mom repeated incredulously, "And you didn't think of calling? You're better than this, Jess."

"Which friend? Was it Cece?" Her Dad asked.

"I always knew that girl would eventually lead you astray," Her Mom added, her voice wobbling.

"It wasn't Cece," Jess insisted, feeling slightly annoyed, "It was- it was Nick."

"A _boy_?" Her Mom croaked, raising her hand to her mouth.

"You stayed at a _boy's_ house?" Her Dad roared, "What's his address? I'll go over there and kill him!"

"Calm down, both of you," Jess said firmly, "It's not like that. It's not- it's _not_. I just needed a place to sleep. I slept on the couch. Nothing- nothing happened."

"Have you been smoking?" Her Mom asked.

" _No_ , Mom, don't-" Jess answered.

"Have you been drinking?" Her Mom continued.

"I- I had a couple of beers," Jess said truthfully, "I'm sorry."

"You have gone wild." Her Dad said, his voice still.

"Just like Abby," Her Mom said, her eyes filling with tears.

"I haven't gone wild, you guys," Jess protested, "I made a _mistake_. I feel terrible about it – I've apologised a million times. What more do you want?"

"We want our little girl to stay at _home_. We don't want her staying out all night, staying over at a boy's house, coming home whenever she feels like." Her Dad told her.

"It's just one time!" Jess shouted, "It won't happen again. Why can't you just accept my apology?"

"One time," Her Mom repeated bitterly, "This is just the beginning-"

"You aren't _listening_ to me," Jess yelled.

"That is because your behaviour is out of control!" Her Dad yelled back, " _You_ are out of control."

"I'm not out of control!" Jess retorted, "I apologised for what I did wrong, but nothing happened. I just fell _asleep_. That was it. It's _you two_ who are out of control."

"What?" Her Mom asked.

"You two!" Jess repeated, "You're always fighting! When you're not, you're ignoring each other. You're ignoring _me_. Except for today – just because I screwed up. I'm not Abby. I'm not going to run away. You know that. Stop taking it out on me and sort out your issues!"

"You have no right to-" Her Dad began. He was furious, but then again, so was Jess.

"I thought we were calling out 'bad behaviour'?" Jess interrupted, "Well, there you go – your behaviour stinks. I'm going to bed."

"We are not finished here-" Her Dad warned.

"I've apologised and I've explained. Dad, I _am_ a good girl," Jess said quietly, "I'm sorry I made you worry but I am not sorry for having fun with my friends. I just- I really just want to go to bed."

"You are grounded," Her Dad told her as she turned to leave the room.

Jess didn't reply.

…

Jess flopped down on her bed and sighed. She felt tired and her head ached. She had shouted at her parents. She never shouted at her parents. They had called her wild, out of control. It had made her flip. It had made her flip because she had been worried of that herself – she was worried she was losing her way a little. Since Summer ended, everything had changed.

Jess got up, turned on some music and started changing. She pulled off her torn tights and tossed them away. She threw her clothes in the laundry basket. They smelled like beer and Nick's basement. She didn't need that scent reminding her of their fight right now. She changed into pyjama pants and a clean t-shirt and removed her make up carefully with cotton wool. She thought that she should really shower but she didn't feel like it. She just felt like crying or sleeping. She got into bed and closed her eyes.

After a few hours napping, Jess woke up to her phone vibrating.

Her heart flipped in her chest. It was Nick Miller. She bit her lip, her thumb hovering over the _open message_ button _._ They hadn't exactly said goodbye on good terms. He had been annoyed, hurt. She didn't blame him. She opened it.

 _I'm sorry._ It read.

She blinked. _He_ was sorry?

 _No. I'm sorry_. Jess texted back.

 _I was a jerk_. Nick replied swiftly.

Jess shook her head.

 _No. I was a jerk. I've been a jerk a while_. She responded. She wanted him to know she got it. They couldn't kiss in the woods and sleep together on the couch – not while she had a boyfriend. It wasn't fair.

 _Not possible, Day_. He replied after a while.

 _You're the best, Nick Miller, you know that?_ She wrote. She hit send.

There was a knock on her door. She sighed. _Time for round two._ Jess thought grumpily.

Her Mom walked through the door carrying a tray.

"I brought you camomile tea with honey," Her Mom said, forcing a cheery smile, "Your favourite."

Jess still felt bruised by their fight. They hadn't been fair to her. Still, she took the steaming mug and sighed. She took a drink. It was delicious – floral and sweet and calming. The liquid immediately warmed her up from the inside. She smiled and thanked her Mom.

Her Mom nodded and lingered by the door for a moment. She wanted to say something, Jess could tell.

"What is it?" Jess asked, stirring her tea.

"Your Dad and I," Her Mom started, "We don't love each other anymore."

The words slammed into her like a truck. _Don't love each other_? The words made no sense. She knew they were having trouble, but this? She didn't know it was so bad.

"It isn't working anymore. We've tried so hard, but there's nothing more that we can do. We're just...different people, Jess." Her Mom went on. She set the tray down on Jess's dressing table and sat on Jess's bed.

"So- what does that mean?" Jess asked quietly.

"It means we've decided it would be best to be apart." Her Mom told her.

"Just for a little while?" Jess asked, "Until you work it out?"

"It doesn't work like that, Jess," Her Mom answered, shaking her head.

"I thought-" Jess started, but she couldn't finish her sentence. She didn't know what she thought. She looked up at her Mom.

"We're sorry that we've been ignoring you," Her Mom said, reaching out to smooth down Jess's hair, "Things have been so difficult, so tiring. But with time, we'll both be so much happier."

"I understand," Jess said faintly. She took a huge gulp on her tea.

"While I'm here, let me offer you some advice, because those puffy eyes of yours tell me you need it," Her Mom said, "Just know this: if it's not right, it's not right, and nothing will ever, ever fix it. You can try. Of course you can try, but Jess, if you force something, you will break it either way. Then everything is hopeless and miserable all over again. So basically, if it's not working, put an end to it. Otherwise, you're fucked."

" _Mom_ ," Jess cried, almost spitting out her tea, "You can't use words like that. Language!"

"Jess, I'm going to be a single woman now," Her Mom replied, laughing, "I make my own rules."

"Still," Jess said, "Give me some warning,"

"Wait a second – I'm not finished being an inspiration to my daughter," Her Mom continued, "Will you listen? Jess – you're a smart girl, so if it's right, you'll know it. If there are any problems after that, you'll know what to do – there's compromise, middle ground, loving each other anyway. If it's right, it won't matter. Do you understand what I've told you?"

"If it's wrong, put an end to it because it'll break in the end anyway. If it's right, I'll know it, and any problems won't matter because...because it's _right_." Jess said slowly.

And just like that, everything started to make sense to Jessica Day.

"Right, honey," Her Mom said, nodding, "You get it."

"I- I _do_ ," Jess said, really meaning it, "I think you've just changed my world, Mom."

"I'm good, Jess, but surely I'm not that good." Her Mom replied, tucking her short, grey hair behind her ear.

"Mom," Jess started, kicking back the blankets, "Am I really grounded? Because I kind of need to take care of something right this second."

"You are definitely grounded, Jess. _But_ because I love you, let's say it starts from tomorrow," Her Mom said, winking, "But hear me: this is a one-time deal only. Any other funny business after tonight, and I _will_ get mean." 

"Gotcha," Jess said, as she jumped out of bed.

Her Mom stood up, picked up the empty tray and turned to leave. Jess felt a pang of pain in her chest.

"Hey Mom," Jess called after her.

Her Mom paused and turned around.

"I'm sorry about you and Dad." Jess said sincerely.

"Don't be," Her Mom told her, smiling gently, "This is a new start. New starts are good, positive. That said, we've got a lot of learning to do – just like you, my perfect girl."

"I'm not quite perfect," Jess said.

"You're perfect enough," Her Mom replied.

…

Jess picked up a small, smooth rock and then tossed it at Spencer's window. It hit the glass with a satisfying clink. She waited a moment. Then, she picked up a bigger rock and threw that one up. It made a louder thudding noise. Then, Spencer's silhouette appeared at the window. He opened his window, stuck his head out and noticed her standing there in her pyjama pants. She waved and offered a small smile. He pulled his hair back into a ponytail and held up his index finger as if to say ' _one minute_ '. She wrapped her arms around herself in the cold as she waited for him to come down.

"Jess," Spencer said as he approached her, "What are you doing here? I would invite you in for dinner, but my parents are a bit weird about 'girlfriends' and stuff. I actually haven't even mentioned you to them yet."

"It's fine, Spencer," Jess said quickly, "That's actually what I came to talk to you about."

"Dinner?" Spencer said, "You want to make me dinner? I'll have to give you a list of my intolerances. Plus, you know that I'm a Pescatarian on the weekends and a Vegan during the week."

"Spencer." Jess said firmly. She had to do it quick, like ripping off a band-aid. That saying was a cliché for a reason, wasn't it? It _really_ applied.

"What's up?" Spencer said, sighing. He seemed bored, impatient.

"This isn't _right_ ," Jess said.

"You coming to my house and throwing stones at my window?" Spencer asked, "I thought it was uncool too."

"No," Jess protested, "This. Us. Our relationship. It's just all wrong. I know it. I think you know it. We can't just keep... _forcing_ it to work when it isn't working."

"You're breaking up with me?" Spencer said, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah," Jess confirmed, "I am."

"Well, I was thinking about breaking up with you, too," Spencer told her, shrugging, "I mean, we had a fun Summer, but I really don't think we have a lot in common. Plus, we hardly ever make out anymore, so. Whatever."

"That's good, see?" Jess said, her eyes widening, "We're on the same page - we both think it's just not _right_."

Spencer sighed and then nodded. Jess smiled and took a step backwards. She'd said what she needed to say. She'd ripped off the figurative band-aid. Her work was done.

"Hey, Jess," Spencer called after her as she turned to go.

"Yeah?" She answered.

"If anyone at school asks," Spencer said slowly, "Can I tell them it was a mutual decision?"

"Sure," Jess replied, unable to conceal her eye-roll, "You tell them that."

"Thanks, Jess," Spencer said, "Being dumped can really hurt your reputation, you know?"

"Goodbye Spencer," Jess said finally, before she walked away for good. When she turned around, Spencer had already disappeared inside. _So ends the great love story_ , she thought.

Jess felt good, exhilarated. The sky was darkening above her. What a long, strange day it had been, and she still had one more stop before home. She thought she'd be able to wait until Monday morning, but she just couldn't. She had to see Nick Miller.

She had to see him right now.

…

Luckily, the front door was open. Jess ran down the stairs and stumbled into the basement, breathless, graceless.

Nick was standing by the ping-pong table. Winston and Schmidt were both curled up on the sofa, watching TV. She paused once she saw them. She wished they weren't there, but she just couldn't contain it. She couldn't keep it in. They would just have to hear it too.

As she made her way into the room, the three boys turned to look at her curiously. She knew she looked crazy – sweating, panting, still in her pyjamas. She didn't care.

"I have something to tell you," Jess said, red-cheeked.

"Hey - I have something to tell you too," Nick smiled, "Caroline is back."

Jess felt like someone had stuck a pin in her and let out all the air. She watched Nick twirl the ping-pong paddle in his hand.

"Oh." Jess managed. "And you're?"

"I'm going to go over and see her," Nick told her, "I can't believe it. I-"

Nick stopped talking and began to observe Jess carefully. She was frozen, silent. Her hurt was written all over her face. She had thought about faking a grin and telling him that it was great news and that she was happy for him but she just couldn't. It was a night for truth-telling, after all.

"So, what did you want to tell me?" Nick asked slowly.

"Oh. Nothing," Jess muttered, looking at the ground, "I just- well, I broke up with Spencer." 

Nick blinked and stared at her, silent. Jess wished she knew what he was thinking in that moment. For a second, he seemed to wrestle with his own thoughts. For a second, she thought he might rush over and kiss her. But instead, he relaxed and adopted a friendly, sympathetic smile. He approached her hesitantly and patted her on the shoulder. Out of the corner of her eye, Jess saw Winston and Schmidt exchange a wordless glance.

"Well done, buddy," Nick said finally, "I knew you could do it. Well - I'm gonna head off if you don't mind."

"Wait-" Jess told him. He stopped, but she didn't know what to say. She thought breaking up with Spencer would fix everything. She thought Nick would be happy. She thought she might tell him she liked him, she thought that he might say he liked her too. She thought they would talk about it. After everything that had happened between them the past few weeks, she thought that they would at least _talk_ about it - the electric, glittering possibility of it.

"What's up, Jess?" Nick asked, purposely avoiding her gaze. He was fidgeting with the buttons on his sleeve. He wanted to leave.

"Well - I thought we could talk about it." Jess said, looking him in the eye pointedly.

"We can talk about it later, Jess. Have a few drinks. You're good, right? You're okay?" Nick ran a hand through his hair, flustered, "I'm sorry. It's just - It's Caroline, Jess. Caroline's back."

"Right." Jess said tersely, nodding. Nick didn't move.

"Come on, then," Nick said, with a groan, "You obviously disagree with me on something. Fight me on it."

Jess stared at him, wide-eyed, fawn-like.

"Fight me, Jess." Nick repeated.

"Caroline is just a person, Nick." Jess said, hearing the desperation in her voice and hating it, "She's just a person."

"No," Nick insisted, "Caroline _fixes_ me. She's- she's like- she makes me _more_."

"More than what?" Jess asked, frustrated.

"More than _this_. This stupid basement and- me. It's me, Jess. I'm just, I don't know, doomed. My Mom is gone. My Dad is hardly around. I have no prospects, no future." Nick said. He sounded tired, embarrassed. He looked away.

"You're wrong, Nick. So you're a big, cowardly baby who thinks he's doomed to live forever in his dad's basement, drinking cheap beer and getting increasingly more angry at the world?" Jess went on, raising her voice, "You don't believe that. That's not a life, Nick. You can do so much more. And you know that. And you will do more because of _you_. You. Not Caroline. Not anybody else."

"I don't need a freaking cheerleader, Jess. I need a friend. I need a friend who's gonna punch me on the arm and hand me another beer. I don't need you to fix me or make me realise all my potential or any of that stupid stuff." Nick said, frowning. He was pissed off.

"You asked me to speak up, _buddy_. You asked me to fight you on it. So I'm doing it. I refuse to believe friends aren't supposed to help each other. You're better than all this, and I'm telling you so." Jess was speaking quietly now, "I will always tell you so."

"I'll be less lonely with her around, Jess. It'll be-" Nick paused, searching for the word, "Easier."

"I thought that-" Jess heard her voice crack and she cringed, "You kissed me, Nick. You kissed me."

Nick's eyes widened. The words seemed to hit him like a slap. He took a deep breath, as if he were about to start arguing with her again. Then he deflated.

"I'm sorry," Nick said eventually, "I'm sorry. I like you a lot. You're my best friend and- I'm sorry. I just need to go."

Jess watched him climb the stairs and leave, just as he had watched her leave earlier that day.

Jess turned to Schmidt and Winston. They were wincing and watching her with apologetic eyes. She turned away. She felt like kicking herself. _Why do I have to wear my heart on my sleeve?_ She wondered.

"Jess, look-" Schmidt began, rising from the sofa.

"Don't, Schmidt," Jess said softly, still watching the stairs as if Nick might reappear, "I'm just- I'm done. I'm done with all of it."

…

For the second time that evening, Jess found herself standing beneath a window with a stone in her hand. After it bounced against the glass of the window above, Cece appeared immediately.

"Hey," Cece called down, "I'll be right there."

After a moment, Cece opened the front door and motioned for Jess to come inside.

"My Mom is away at a business function. It probably involves cocktails and canapés. Come in, come in." Cece was saying as she and Jess walked down the hallway into the kitchen.

"Cece," Jess breathed, "I broke up with Spencer."

"What?" Cece exclaimed as she sat down at the dining table.

"I broke up with Spencer," Jess repeated. Adrenaline was still coursing through her veins. "I ran over to tell Nick and-"

"What happened?" Cece asked, leaning toward her friend.

"Nick told me that Caroline was back in town and that he had to go see her." Jess finished.

"Oh no," Cece said quietly, "I'm sorry, Jess. But it's not- it's not like they're back together, is it? He just went to go see her."

"But I went over there and I told him I broke up with Spencer and I thought he _knew_ what I meant when I told him that and he just ran away, Cece." Jess said, running a hand through her hair.

"Maybe he just needs time?" Cece suggested, "After all, it did take you a little while to figure it all out, didn't it?"

"That's what makes this even worse. I know I'm being unfair and selfish for being upset by this. I just feel terrible. We kissed in the woods and-" Jess went on.

"You _kissed_? I knew it!" Cece yelled.

"Well, yeah," Jess continued, "And I went on dating Spencer and I went on being confused and yeah, I had time to kind of- work it all out. I know I have no right to be mad at Nick – that doesn't stop me from feeling it."

"I'm sorry, Jess," Cece said, reaching out to take her friend's hand.

"No, I'm sorry. I don't want to-" Jess sighed, "Can we just _not_ talk about boys? Just for tonight?"

"Sure," Cece replied softly, "But first, I should probably tell you that Jesse dumped me last night. That's why I didn't show at the party."

"Oh no, Cece," Jess said sympathetically, "Why?"

"Oh, you know," Cece said, waving her hand, "Just that I'm too young for him. He told me that he wants to play the field with women his own age. Boring stuff, really. Nothing I haven't heard before. Whatever – it's his loss."

"Cece," Jess said firmly, "Come on,"

"I thought he was a man, but he was just another boy, Jess. It's fine." Cece insisted.

"Cece," Jess went on, "It's me. You don't have to act so invincible all the time."

Cece's features softened and her eyes pooled with tears. Jess was used to Cece being tough. Cece had always looked older, _acted_ older, but in that moment, her hard edges fell away and her friend looked so much like a fifteen-year-old girl who had just had her heart broken.

"Okay," Cece said, "I- I thought he was different, Jess, but it turns out I was just a pretty, young face to him."

"Cece," Jess tilted her head to the side, "If that's the case, then he's the biggest idiot in the world."

"He kind of was," Cece said, laughing through the tears, "You know he never learned my surname?"

Jess snorted and squeezed her friend's hand.

"Okay, I'm done," Cece shouted out, wiping her eyes, "Let's _not_ waste tears on boys. I'm on your side, Jess. Let's not talk about boys - just for tonight."

"Sure," Jess agreed, "Although I should probably tell you that as of tomorrow, I am grounded, so won't have time to worry about boys, anyway."

"Jessica Day? Grounded?" Cece repeated, raising her eyebrows.

"Long story," Jess said, sighing, "Which reminds me - I've got something to tell you about my parents too."

"Go ahead," Cece said, shooting Jess a questioning look.

"All in good time," Jess replied, "But first, have you got any popcorn?"


	6. Shadows Settle

**Ripped Tights**

 **Chapter Six – Shadows Settle**

"What about Naples?" Jess asked, looking up at Cece.

"Italy? Sure," Cece replied, shrugging, "Though I'd rather see Rome."

"Athens?" Jess went on.

"Ooh, that sounds good," Cece drawled happily, "Hit the beach, get some cocktails, kiss some Greek boys,"

"I thought we'd made a no boys rule?" Jess pointed out.

"What's the fun in that?" Cece replied, sipping her water.

"Paris?" Jess suggested finally.

"Paris is the dream, Jess," Cece said, as if trying to make a point, "It's _unmissable_."

"Okay," Jess said, "I'll add it to the list."

"And how exactly are we going to fund this grand world tour?" Cece asked drily.

"Oh, you know," Jess answered, scribbling in her notebook, "We'll work it out."

"Well, as long as we have a plan." Cece replied sarcastically.

Jess closed her notebook and turned her attention to the lunch room window. Looking out of the window was better than stealing glances at their old lunch table. The guys had already been there when Jess and Cece made their way into the lunch room, but Jess had instantly looked away and had forced herself not to let her eyes wander over there. More than anything, more than the hurt, she just didn't want to see Caroline cuddled up with Nick. It was up to Nick to choose who he wanted to be with - she knew that - but that didn't mean Jess wanted to see it. It would be like sprinkling salt into the wound.

Jess had done a lot of thinking over the past couple of days. She had thought a lot about that kiss in the woods – she thought about Nick's urgent hands and his lips on hers and she could almost feel the chill, could almost feel the tree knot sharp in the small of her back. How could she have continued to date Spencer after that kiss? That kiss had told her everything she had needed to know.

Now Nick was someone else's.

Jess sighed and continued looking out of the window. Autumn had darkened suddenly and deeply. The sky was a constant shade of blue-grey. The trees were stripped of their leaves.

She wanted to kiss him again. She wanted to make him crazy, dizzy, stupid. She wanted a lot of things. _Too many things?_ Jess wondered darkly.

"I know we promised not to let guys ruin our world," Cece said suddenly, drawing Jess out of her daydream, "But I've been thinking – I think my next guy should be someone our age."

"A _boy_ , Cece?" Jess teased, faking shock, "Not a man?"

"Yeah," Cece continued, smiling, "Someone funny and sweet. Someone who likes me for _me_ , not just my pretty face."

"You do have the prettiest face," Jess said, but Cece wasn't really listening. Cece's eyes had flickered across to the one place Jess didn't dare look.

Almost instinctively, Jess followed Cece's line of vision and turned around to look at their old lunch table.

Schmidt and Nick were looking over at them with slightly sad expressions. As soon as they noticed Jess and Cece watching them, however, they both immediately turned away and began laughing animatedly at something Winston clearly _hadn't_ said. Winston rolled his eyes and glared at them both.

Jess snorted and turned around to face Cece once again. It was comforting to know she wasn't the only one taking a second to miss them and their doofus shenanigans.

"Idiots," Jess said, smirking.

"Do you think it'll be like this from now on?" Cece asked. She tried to keep her tone casual, but Jess could tell Cece was worried that their little band of misfits might be breaking up.

"No," Jess replied, shaking her head emphatically, "No. I just-"

"I know," Cece interrupted, "You don't have to explain yourself to me, Jess."

"Right," Jess said.

"Hey," Cece went on, "No Caroline. That's a good sign, right?"

"Maybe," Jess answered, "I don't know. I just want him to be happy, I guess."

"Okay, I've had it. You're being so selfless it's almost nun-like," Cece said, raising her eyebrows, "Who cares about stupid Nick Miller? What would make _you_ happy, Jess?"

"Hanging out with you?" Jess suggested, grinning.

"Well, you're in luck, my friend," Cece told Jess, "I happen to have heard rumours of a party occurring this weekend."

"A party? Again?" Jess responded, screwing up her face, "Did anyone even consider my aquarium idea?"

"No," Cece replied, "Come on, Jess. Aren't you sick of being grounded?"

Jess sighed. As of Saturday morning, she was free to roam, but to be honest, she didn't really feel like it. Being grounded had actually been good for her. She had caught up on her reading in her room. She had listened to happy music. She had watched silly movies while eating Doritos. It had been extremely satisfying. The only thing that had bummed her out was that her parents had started navigating their separation. It was weird seeing her Dad sleeping on the couch. It made her realise it was truly happening: her parents' relationship was really over. Maybe Cece was right. Maybe getting out of the house this weekend would be a good idea.

"I guess," Jess mumbled eventually.

"Don't make that face, Jess," Cece went on, grinning, "Come on - I'll do your make-up?"

"Deal," Jess said, holding out her pinkie finger for Cece to entwine with her own.

"It's a promise," Cece said, excitement alight in her eyes.

…

"This is all your fault, Nick," Schmidt was saying, "Cece is over there, and I'm over here, and it's all because you've ruined everything."

"Shut _up_ , Schmidt," Nick said, running a hand through his hair, "Believe it or not, I'm aware I messed things up with Jess."

"Understatement, Nick. What the heck happened?" Schmidt asked Nick, shaking his head.

"I just- I don't know, I got scared, man." Nick tried, "She was _right there_ and she was telling me she had broken up with Spencer and then we were arguing about something stupid and then I was out the door. It was a bit of a blur."

"You realise she broke up with Spencer because she liked you, right?" Winston said, sighing.

"No," Nick replied, flustered, "I don't know,"

"I saw that kiss in the woods, Nick," Winston said, "That was a magical kiss. An end-of-the-movie moment kiss, for sure. You should be proud."

"Kiss?" Schmidt repeated, his eyes darting between Winston and Nick, "What kiss?"

"Nick and Jess," Winston told Schmidt, "In the trees, by the lake, under the moon,"

"Okay, I didn't freaking murder her Winston," Nick snapped, "It was a kiss. She told me she wanted to kiss me. What was I supposed to do?"

" _She_ told _you_ that _she_ wanted to kiss _you_?" Schmidt said, disbelief written all over his face.

"Well, yeah," Nick said, wrinkling his nose.

"Did you want to kiss her?" Winston asked.

"Of course I did," Nick answered, "I mean – you know Jess. She's pretty and she's really funny and she's super smart and I feel like we have this kind of weird connection. But she also had a damn boyfriend. It was a confusing time for me!"

"I cannot believe you kissed her and you didn't tell me," Schmidt said, looking over towards where Cece and Jess were sitting together.

"Look, can we stop talking about kissing?" Nick yelled, "I'm sick of it!"

"Alright," Winston said, "So do you want to talk about Caroline instead?"

"Well, I went over to see her. She told me her family are only back in town temporarily while her father gets relocated," Nick explained, throwing up his hands, "It might take a month, it might take a year, I don't know. We hugged, we talked. It was weird, but familiar, you know?"

"Is she coming back to school?" Winston asked, "Are you getting back together?"

"I don't know, Winston," Nick replied, sighing, "Honestly, I was expecting to go over there and grab her and kiss her just like I used to, but something just didn't...feel right. Even when we were talking, something was different. Something was gone."

"Well, you better work out your crap soon, Nick Miller," Schmidt said, "I'm not about to let Cece disappear from my life. I'm about to seal the deal."

"Seal the deal?" Winston repeated, narrowing his eyes, "What universe do you live in?"

"It's called the slow game, Winston." Schmidt replied, glaring at Winston.

"It's called _no_ game, Schmidt." Winston said.

Schmidt ignored Winston, sighing. At Benjamin's party, he had ended up chatting to, and even kissing, a gorgeous brunette from the year above them. It had been nice, but he hadn't been able to stop thinking about Cece all night – was she coming? What would she be wearing? Would she dance with him? Was she still dating that damn animal, Jesse? He couldn't get her and her smart mouth and her eye-rolls out of his mind. And now, Cece was with Jess at a different table. He looked over at them sadly. Beside him, Nick sighed and did the same.

Suddenly, both girls looked over at them. Schmidt panicked.

"Winston, that's a good one!" Schmidt yelled, faking a riotous laugh.

"Oh, yeah, uh, classic Winston," Nick said between laughs, following Schmidt's lead, "Always telling those funny jokes."

"You two need to pull yourself together," Winston said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, I will pull myself together, alright," Schmidt said, "I have heard some rumours that Cece is attending a party this weekend. I have decided I will also be attending."

"Have you even been invited?" Nick asked, frowning.

"Give me time, Nicholas," Schmidt answered, his eyes glittering with purpose, "Give me time."

…

Cece brushed a scattering of violet glitter over Jess's eyelid.

"Is this really necessary?" Jess asked, frowning at her reflection.

"I thought you wanted to make Nick Miller _eat it_?" Cece replied pointedly, snapping her fingers.

"I believe those were your words Cece," Jess reminded her, "And we don't even know if Nick is going."

"Then everyone else will eat it, Jess," Cece replied flippantly.

Jess looked at her friend. Cece looked incredible in a black playsuit and silver heels. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she felt stupid. All that purple glitter smeared on her eyes, her hair big and messy and curly. She felt like an extra from an Eighties movie. She told Cece so.

"You look great," Cece told her sincerely, "Let's get going."

Jess's Mom drove them to the party. She and Jess had come to an agreement that parties were fine, as long as Jess respected the curfew she had set. It felt good being honest with her Mom, and while some kids might feel embarrassed about their Mom driving them to a party, Jess couldn't care less.

Cece and Jess pushed their way through the crowded hallway into the lounge. In the corner, a DJ was hunched over a glowing laptop. The music was so loud it seemed to make the entire room vibrate. Jess felt dizzy with anticipation. Would Nick be there? Would she continue to avoid him? _Why is nothing simple_? Jess thought as Cece grabbed two shot glasses full of dirty amber liquid.

"Tequila, Jess!" Cece yelled over the thud of the bass, handing Jess a tiny glass and a wedge of lime.

"Cece, I've never-" Jess started, but Cece was already throwing back the shot.

Jess copied her friend and swallowed the tequila before shoving the wedge of lime in her mouth.

"It's freaking disgusting," Jess shouted, scrunching up her face.

"You're not supposed to eat the lime, Jess," Cece laughed, "Let's get another!"

"I'm good," Jess groaned. Her throat still burned from the first shot.

"Hey, look," Cece said, nudging Jess.

Jess looked up just as Nick, Schmidt and Winston walked into the crowded lounge. Immediately, Nick's eyes found hers and, ignoring the instinct to look away, Jess held his gaze, searching for a clue as to what he was thinking. Nick leaned in and said something in Schmidt's ear and then Schmidt was looking their way too. Jess breathed in. She wasn't sure what was making her stomach do cartwheels – Nick or the tequila or both. Before she could even say anything to Cece, their three friends were making their way over to them.

"Check it out, they're coming over," Cece said to Jess, grinning.

"They're coming over," Jess repeated breathlessly, "They're coming over."

"Tequila?" Cece offered cautiously.

Jess nodded firmly and the girls swiftly drank another shot just as the guys approached.

"Hey," Nick greeted them unsurely.

"Hey," Jess said softly.

"What's up?" Cece asked awkwardly as Schmidt pushed up the sleeves of his blazer and pretended to curiously look around the room. To him, it must have looked so nonchalant. To everyone else, he just looked like a weirdo.

Winston grimaced.

"What is this, West Side Story?" Nick said suddenly, forcing a smile, "Why do I feel like we're about to have a girls versus boys shoot-out or something?"

"That's not how West Side Story goes, you idiot," Schmidt snapped, before turning his attention to Cece, "Cece, you look fantastic this evening, as always."

"Thanks Schmidt," Cece replied, suppressing a laugh, "I like your blazer."

As Cece and Schmidt and Winston started chatting and laughing, Jess leaned in towards Nick.

"Look, I'm sorry everything has been so weird," Jess said, loud enough so he could hear her over the music.

"Listen, can we go somewhere and talk about it?" Nick asked.

Before Jess could reply, Winston was pushing her towards the centre of the room where people had made room for a dance-floor. Schmidt and Cece followed, leaving Nick alone. He sighed and picked up two shots of tequila before going to join them, drinking one after the other as he walked. _It's going to be a long night,_ Nick thought to himself.

As the song changed from a heavy, fast beat to a chipper pop song, Jess threw her hands up in the air as Winston started rolling his shoulders. Schmidt and Cece caught each others' eye and laughed as they joined in. Cece wiggled her hips as Schmidt started throwing his hands in every possible direction. Nick bobbed his head awkwardly as his friends danced like crazy people. All he wanted to do was speak with Jess.

"Jess, I really need to talk to you," Nick said, leaning forward as the song drew to a close and began to transition.

"Not now," Jess replied, shaking her head.

"But-" Nick started.

"Shut up, Miller," Jess told him, pinning him to the spot with those wide, blue eyes of hers, "Will you just dance with me?"

He couldn't refuse her.

…

The party turned out to be better than Jess had expected. Once the guys had shown up, it had been all fun and games. They'd danced goofy dances. When the tequila ran out, they took shots of wine instead. Everyone was tipsy and acting slightly silly. After a week of hibernating in her room and moping around at school with Cece, Jess was so happy the five of them were finally hanging out. Just for tonight, Jess had decided to push aside all the confusion and turbulence, and focus on just _having fun_ with Nick, and it was working. Although she had to face up to the truth eventually. He had been trying to get her alone to talk all night. She knew what he wanted to say: that he was back together with Caroline. After all, the last time they had seen each other he had been running off to meet up with her. What was it he had said to Jess? _"I'm sorry. I like you a lot. You're my best friend and- I'm sorry. I just need to go."_ She didn't have to be a genius to work out how everything had turned out. After all, she and Nick had been close for just a few weeks and Caroline had once been his entire world.

She just needed to have fun with him, just until the night ended, then Nick Miller could break her heart for good.

…

Nick finally caught up with Jess at the snack table. Winston was still shaking it on the dance floor and Cece and Schmidt were sitting on the stairs, chatting and laughing. It had to be now or never. Jess's curfew was approaching, so she and Cece would be heading off soon.

"Jess," Nick said as he approached her.

"Hey, Nick," Jess said, holding up a plate, "Cheese puff?"

"No, I don't want a cheese puff," Nick replied, sighing, "Jess, we _have_ to talk."

"Okay," Jess said, nodding. Her gaze dropped to the floor. Shadows danced on her face as her eyelids glittered, purple and dark. He wanted to tell her how pretty she was, but he had to focus on the task at hand.

"I'm just going to say it. Did you break up with Spencer because you like me?" Nick asked, and then, realising he sounded so intense, added, "Because Winston and Schmidt seem to think so."

"Winston and Schmidt seem to think so?" Jess repeated, her eyes widening, "What did they say?"

 _Great_ , Nick scolded himself, _you've managed to hurt her feelings again you ninny_.

"Never mind," Nick said quickly, flustered, "Forget about Schmidt and Winston,"

"But-" Jess continued.

"Oh man," Nick said, sighing, "Let's start again. Jess-"

"I-" Jess interrupted, her voice wobbling a little.

"Do you like me?" Nick asked firmly, looking her directly in the eye.

Jessica Day took a deep breath. How had she gotten here? She felt rooted to the spot. The air around them seemed to crackle with tension, possibility. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to run away. She opened her mouth but no words came out.

"Jess, please," Nick went on, "Do you like me?"

"I-" Jess started.

"Oh. Am I interrupting something?" A voice rose up above the music as someone approached them.

Jess turned to look. It was Caroline. It was Caroline with her eyes narrowed at Jess. Jess breathed out. _This can't be happening_ , Jess thought, horrified. He could have just told her he was back together with Caroline. Why did he also have to acknowledge the fact that he knew she liked him? How embarrassing. How pathetic. And now they'd be making out all night as Jess danced like a loser. She was suddenly thankful she had a curfew.

"I've been looking for you everywhere," Caroline said breezily, turning to Nick.

"How did you know I was here?" Nick asked slowly. He seemed stunned, winded.

"Oh, you know," Caroline said, shrugging, "I asked around. Wanna get a drink?"

"Oh, would you look at the time?" Jess mumbled, "It's almost my curfew. Oh gosh, darn. I'd better go."

"Jess-" Nick started, running a hand through his hair as Jess started walking away.

"Nick," Caroline said, "Let's get a drink,"

"Go get a drink, Nick," Jess levelled at him firmly, not meeting his eye as she whirled around and started pushing her way through the crowded room.

 _I need to find Cece_ , Jess thought to herself, _I need to find Cece_.

Jess spotted Cece and Schmidt talking together on the stairs. She made her way over towards them.

"Hey," Jess said, trying her best to sound cheerful, "Sorry to interrupt but I'm going to head home. See you guys."

"Jess, wait," Cece said, standing up, "I'll go with you."

"No, stay," Jess insisted, "Have fun. Don't worry about me. That old curfew, huh? Ruining our night."

"I'll go with you," Cece repeated, before adding, "Schmidt was boring me, anyway."

Jess couldn't help but laugh a little at the expression on Schmidt's face. She waited until Cece grabbed their coats and linked her friend's arm as they headed for the door. Cece squeezed her hand as they made their way down the street.

She waited until they had turned the corner to start crying.

…

Jess knocked on the classroom door and waited for an answer.

"Come in," Mr Mateo called.

"Hey, Mr Mateo," Jess greeted him as she closed the door behind her, "I want to talk to you,"

"Sure, Jess," Mr Mateo answered, closing the open book that lay on his desk and sitting up straight, "What is it?"

"I've been thinking a lot about what you suggested," Jess told him, playing with her hands, "About the MacGregor programme? To study abroad in Paris?"

"Yes, I think you'd be a great candidate, Jess," Mr Mateo explained, "Your essays are always well executed and you always have a lot to say about the texts we're studying. I think you would only benefit from the experiences of studying abroad."

"Right," Jess said, nodding, "Well, I've decided I would like to apply."

"That's great, Jess," Mr Mateo said, opening his desk drawer, "I'll grab you an application form."

"Thanks, Mr Mateo," Jess said as he handed her the form.

"I'll look forward to reading your application, Jess," Mr Mateo replied, dismissing her with a wave.

Jess nodded and closed the door behind her before looking down at the application form.

 _Here goes_ , she thought, before stuffing it in her bag and heading home.


	7. Blue

**Ripped Tights**

 **Chapter Seven – Blue**

Jessica Day stared at the question that was printed across the top of the page:

 _Why do you want to take part in the MacGregor programme?_

Jess brought her pen up to her mouth. _Why is this so difficult?_ She asked herself. Sighing, she put the pen to the paper.

"Because I want to broaden my horizons?" Jess mused out loud, "Too cheesy. Because I like croissants and Victor Hugo? Too weird. Because I fell for one of my best friends and can't stand being around him because he doesn't like me back and his ex-girlfriend just became a girlfriend again? Too angsty."

The deadline was approaching, and Jess didn't have a clue what to write.

To her relief, her phone began to jingle in her pocket. Jess tossed the application form aside and pulled her phone out of her pocket, her heart skipping a beat. Cece's name flashed on the tiny screen. Jess tried her best to conceal her disappointment as she answered.

"Girl, what are you doing?" Cece asked coyly.

"Oh, you know, nothing much," Jess responded breezily.

"Come down," Cece instructed, "I'm outside."

"Outside?" Jess repeated, "What are you talking about?"

"I have a surprise for you," Cece answered, "A gift - to cheer you up."

"A surprise?" Jess yelled, her voice shrill, "A gift? What the heck, Cece? You never get me gifts. What is it?"

"You have to come down first," Cece teased.

"I'll be right there," Jess said, throwing her phone down on her bed and jumping up to find her shoes.

Jess threw open the door. It was a surprisingly beautiful day. Cece was standing at the bottom of Jess's drive, smoking the end of a cigarette and grinning.

"Where's the gift?" Jess asked, running up to Cece and grabbing her shoulders.

"We've gotta walk," Cece explained, stomping on the cigarette butt with her boot heel, "Come on."

"Cece, come on. You know I'm no good at containing my excitement," Jess said as they started walking, "I'll explode."

"A risk we'll have to take," Cece replied, rolling her eyes.

"This better be good," Jess groaned.

"Oh, trust me," Cece said, flashing Jess a devilish grin.

…

Nick Miller was sitting in his basement, drinking beer. _So it goes_ , he thought pensively. He was in the eye of the hurricane: Caroline on one side, Jess on the other and all he wanted to do was get tipsy and snooze. Did Jess like him? She hadn't been able to answer him. Was that a good sign or a bad sign? If she'd said yes, what would he have done? _I would have kissed her_ , he thought. Her eyes were like the cosmos and she drove him mad. He would have kissed her. But she hadn't answered, and she had slipped away. Scared off by Caroline. _Who wouldn't be?_ Did Caroline think they were getting back together? She had insisted she didn't want that, but then she had flirted with him at the party. He knew her game: she didn't like him ( _Had she ever?_ ) but she didn't want anyone else to have him either. Life had been easier when she had been in another continent. Nick kind of wished she would disappear again.

As if conjured by the power of thought alone, there she was at the top of the stairs.

"Thought I'd find you here," Caroline said, folding her arms across her chest, "Drinking during the day?"

"Something of a hobby of mine," Nick muttered, shrugging, "Want one?"

"No," Caroline said, narrowing her eyes, "Nick, I don't want things to be like before. I mean, all we used to do was sit in this smelly basement drinking and then the drinking would lead to screaming and then the screaming would lead to kissing and it was terrible, Nick. I hated every minute of it."

"Me too," Nick replied quietly, "But the problem wasn't the smell, or the basement, or the drinking, Caroline. It was us. We weren't right together. It was like trying to force one puzzle piece into another despite the fact that, you know, the puzzle pieces don't fit."

"Was that a simile, Nick?" Caroline asked, "When the hell did you get so sophisticated?"

"The point is that we're not a good match," Nick continued, shrugging, "We just don't...make each other happy."

Caroline nodded and shifted, looking towards the floor. Nick sighed. He hoped he hadn't hurt her feelings, but she had to know the truth. She had to know how he felt. Whatever they'd had – whatever had gone on between them – she had to know it was over. It was over. She couldn't fix him. She couldn't make his life make sense. There was only one girl who could, and she was probably lying in bed listening to the _Cats_ soundtracks and crocheting.

"You're right," Caroline said eventually, "You're right. The problem _was_ us. You know, some part of me thought we could try again some day, but you've changed, Nick. It's because of _her_ , isn't it?"

"Who?" Nick asked, feigning ignorance.

"The girl you were talking to at the party?" Caroline went on.

Nick started to shake his head.

"Well," Caroline continued, "Good luck to her. I spent way too long trying to tame Nick Miller, trying to understand Nick Miller. You know, you're hard work, Nick. I hope she's ready."

"I don't-" Nick started, uncomfortable.

"Stop lying to yourself," Caroline interrupted, unfolding her arms and offering him a small smile, "Just- goodbye, Nick."

With that said, she pulled her coat tight around her and made her way up the stairs, not bothering to look back.

"Goodbye, Caroline," Nick murmured.

 _Now what?_ Nick Miller thought to himself as he placed the empty bottle down on the table beside him. _Now what?_

…

"You brought me to the aquarium?" Jess exclaimed as she stared up at the building in front of her.

"Sure – there's bros over hos," Cece explained, shrugging, "Now there's, um, fish over Nick Miller."

"Cece-" Jess started.

"Do you hate it?" Cece asked, frowning.

"I _love_ it," Jess said through laughs.

"So it's working?" Cece asked, "I'm cheering you up? You're not thinking about Nick Miller?"

"Cece," Jess said firmly, "Could you stop saying Nick Miller? Let's just go in! I want to go in the tunnel!"

Cece raised her eyebrows as Jess ran towards the entrance. Once she had caught up with Jess in the lobby, Cece bought them a pair of tickets and she and Jess made their way into the tunnel.

Jessica Day looked up and around, taking in the sights surrounding her. Fish flew in figures-of-eight above her head. Occasionally a shark would press itself up right next to her. The whole tunnel cast a rippling blue light over herself and Cece. Jess placed her palm flat against the glass.

"So many fish," She murmured dreamily, "It's so pretty. Thank you for bringing me here, Cece."

"I kind of want to lie down," Cece said, nodding, "I bet it feels like you're lying at the bottom of the ocean if you lie down."

"Let's lie down, then," Jess suggested immediately.

"Jess- I-" Cece started.

"Come on," Jess continued, "There's hardly anybody around. It's not like it's a crime."

"Okay," Cece replied, smiling, "Let's do it."

Jess sat down and smoothed down her skirt before lying back and stretching out. She sighed happily as Cece joined her.

"You know," Jess began as she looked up at the big, blue stretch of light and water and fish above her, "I read that something crazy like ninety-eight per cent of the ocean is unexplored."

"What?" Cece replied, "That can't be true,"

"Yeah," Jess went on, "They've only really explored such a tiny fraction. The rest is a dark, unknowable abyss."

"I guess," Cece replied, "There is probably all kinds of weird stuff down there. Fish riding motorcycles, jellyfish with arms and legs-"

"Cece, it's like our lives, you know?" Jess exclaimed suddenly, "We've only done a tiny amount of exploring. There's so much out there – dark and weird and full of junk, but _new_ and exciting. And that's it. That's what I should write."

"What are you talking about?" Cece asked, confused.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Jess started, "But I decided to apply for that programme – to study abroad next semester. I could spend Winter and Spring in Paris, reading books and learning French-"

"And forgetting about Nick Miller?" Cece asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Yes," Jess said unsurely, "No, not really. I don't know. Everything is just so...overwhelming?"

"Jess, you should go to Paris because you want to," Cece said, "Not because you're too afraid to face the boy you like."

"He has a _girlfriend_ , Cece," Jess went on, "He kissed me and he doesn't want to be with me and Winston and Schmidt _told him_ that I like him. It's too much. Can you imagine me hanging out with them in the basement now? With Caroline on Nick's arm? With him knowing how I feel? It would just hurt too much, Cece."

"We don't even know that they're back together-" Cece started.

"No, Cece," Jess insisted, "I just can't. I want to go camping and laugh and talk about the future but I just can't."

"Okay," Cece said eventually, rubbing Jess's arm sympathetically, "Then go to Paris, clear your head."

"Right," Jess said, though she wasn't sure she looked or sounded convincing, "Right."

"Now, what do you want to see next?" Cece asked, sitting up.

"I don't know," Jess replied, flopping forwards, "Seals?"

"Seals it is," Cece replied as they both stood up and made their way down the aquarium tunnel.

…

It was a Monday and Nick Miller was making his way down the hall from his locker towards the lunch room. Though he wasn't sure where they stood after the party, he hoped Jess would be sitting at their table when he got there. That would definitely make his day - to see her in her usual seat, laughing and tucking her hair behind her ears and adjusting her glasses and scribbling in the margins of her novel.

Nick Miller was lucky.

As Nick approached with his tray, Jess looked up and the corners of her mouth twitched up into a smile. She closed her book and pushed it away as he placed his tray on the table.

"Miller," She greeted him, nodding her head.

"How's it going?" Nick asked, sitting down. _How's it going?_ _Very smooth, Miller_.

"Not bad," Jess replied, "Just reading a book over here. Nothing special."

"So," Nick went on, fiddling with his knife and fork, "Crazy party, huh?"

"It was okay," Jess answered, shifting in her seat, "Did you do much after?"

" _No_ ," Nick said, a little too firmly, "Nothing happe- _no_. So, what did you get up to yesterday?"

"Well, Cece and I went to the aquarium," Jess told him, the corners of her mouth curving into a smile, "Which was pretty fun."

"You and the damn aquarium," Nick replied, shaking his head, "I'm more of a safari guy."

"Safari?" Jess repeated, raising her eyebrows, "When have you ever been on safari, Nick?"

"A bunch of times – at the zoo, out of town, whatever – it doesn't matter," Nick went on, "The point is that I saw lions and owls and-"

" _Owls_?" Jess stated incredulously, "I'm sorry – you saw... _owls_ on the safari?"

"No. At the zoo. I mean - yeah, that's what I said." Nick continued, confused.

"Nick – a safari isn't the same as a zoo, you realise?" Jess asked him slowly.

"Well my dad drove around the places where all the animals were hanging out, so we technically went on safari." Nick explained, shrugging.

"Your dad – drove around – and – the animals and -" Jess said, trying to piece it all together.

"He was trying to steal a tiger, Jess," Nick told her, "That was my childhood. Riding around a freaking tiger enclosure as my dad tried to work out how to get one in the back of our van."

"That's-" Jess began.

"Totally illegal and wrong on so many levels, I know," Nick finished, "But I think it's kind of why I like the safari so much."

"You mean the zoo?" Jess prompted.

"That's what I said, dummy." Nick retorted.

"Wow. What a tale. So owls, huh? Did you get to hold one?" Jess asked curiously.

"Yeah, like they're just going to let me hold an owl," Nick replied, snorting, "They don't just let you hold the owls, Jessica."

"I think-" Jess started, "You know what, forget it."

"Why?" Nick asked, "You wanna hold an owl?"

"Hell yeah, Miller," Jess replied, "That's like, the ultimate dream."

"Then one day, I'll make sure you get to hold one. How about that?" Nick said, leaning in towards her.

"I thought they didn't let you hold them?" Jess reminded him, raising her eyebrows.

"Yeah, well, they also don't let you ride your van around the zoo," Nick said, smirking.

"You're funny," Jess said, smiling at him.

"No - you're funny," Nick replied, his voice suddenly quieter, "You're the funniest."

He was looking into her eyes so intensely that Jess felt like the world was spinning fast on its axis, like a star was collapsing in her stomach. He was close, close enough that their elbows were almost touching, close enough that he could probably see her cheeks flush pink, see her pupils widen with longing.

"Nick-" Jess breathed out his name, "Listen. We didn't get a chance to talk at the party and-"

"Jessica Day," Schmidt interrupted as he slammed his tray down onto the table, "You need to talk to your friend and ask her what is going on in her brain."

"You're talking about Cece?" Jess asked, blind-sided.

"No, I'm talking about Catherine the Great, empress of Russia," Schmidt snapped, sitting down beside Nick, "Of course I'm talking about Cece."

"Well, what's the problem, Schmidt?" Jess asked him impatiently. _He interrupted our conversation for this?_ Jess wondered, _Way to go Schmidt_.

"We had a wonderful time at the party. We danced, we talked. There was definite flirtation there. Then, yesterday, I texted her to find out how she's doing and she replies, 'Okay.' Okay. _Okay_? What the hell is that?" Schmidt went on.

"I think it means that she was doing okay, Schmidt. Don't be a weirdo." Jess told him, laughing.

"Yeah, but Cece-" Schmidt started.

"Cece what?" Cece asked drily as she and Winston joined them at the table.

"Oh, Cece," Schmidt greeted her, smiling a little too widely, "What an honour it is for you to grace us with your presence today,"

"What are you talking about Schmidt?" Cece asked, groaning.

"Nothing," Schmidt replied quietly.

"Are you okay, man?" Winston asked him, confused.

"I don't know, Winston. Am I _okay,_ Cece?" Schmidt said pointedly, "Am I doing _okay_?"

"Clearly not," Cece drawled before turning her attention to Jess, "Where were you this morning? I waited for you in the bathroom."

"Oh, sorry," Jess said, "I had to hand in that- that _assignment_."

"Oh, and how did it go?" Cece asked, raising her eyebrows knowingly, "Did you, um, do what we discussed?"

"Yeah," Jess replied, shrugging, "It was the right way to go. With the assignment. And by tomorrow I'll know whether it worked out or not."

"Okay, enough school talk," Nick interrupted, "Are we hanging out tomorrow night? Ping pong tournament? My place?"

"Why even call it a tournament, gentlemen?" Winston asked, "I mean, we all know who's bringing home the bronze."

"Bronze is third place, you plum." Schmidt snapped, glaring at Winston.

"Did you just call me a _plum_?" Winston shot back at him.

"What do you think, Jess?" Nick asked, turning to face Jess, "Tomorrow night?"

"I don't know," Jess told him, biting her lip, "I-"

With its traditional unfortunate timing, the bell rang, announcing the end of lunch break. Jess had History next, then Biology. She had handed in her application for the MacGregor programme that very morning. Mr Mateo had tucked the application into a folder before telling her there would be a meeting to go over the applications that evening, and that everyone would be told the outcome of their application tomorrow afternoon.

That meant that by the time the guys were having their ping pong tournament, Jess would know the outcome of her future.

 _Scary_ , Jess thought to herself as she made her way out of the lunch room, _by tomorrow night, everything could be different._

…

Tuesday evening rolled around pretty quickly for Nick Miller. School had been a boring blur. His dad still hadn't called. He had gotten nowhere with Jess – he couldn't talk to her without saying something stupid. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say.

Speaking of Jess, he, Schmidt and Winston were on their third round of Ping Pong and she still hadn't showed. She'd missed him beating Schmidt. He rarely ever beat Schmidt.

Ping Pong was pretty lame. His basement was pretty lame. But she liked him. Didn't she? _Didn't she?_ He twirled his paddle around in his hand and looked up towards the stairs for the billionth time that evening.

As Schmidt limbered up for his round with Winston, Nick swapped his paddle for a beer and flopped onto the sofa. As he considered switching the music to something that would better match his emotional chaos, he heard his front door click closed upstairs. Fireworks spiderwebbed through his chest.

He whirled around, anticipating Jess's arrival – but it wasn't Jess. It was Cece.

"So you guys are really, really having a Ping Pong tournament." Cece announced, nodding her head.

"Cece, you made it," Schmidt shouted across to her, "You're about to see me grind Winston into the wall."

"He wishes," Winston called out, "Hey – Cece. You wanna get in on this? You any good?"

"I'm alright," Cece replied with a coy shrug, "But I'll sit this one out."

"Hey – do you know if Jess is coming?" Nick asked her.

"Nick," Cece said directly, "Why don't we step outside? Get some air?"

"Why?" Nick asked warily, "You going to fight me or something?"

"Not quite," Cece replied, shaking her head, "Just follow me."

Nick inhaled sharply as Cece opened herself a beer and started climbing the stairs. Nick did as he instructed and followed. _What is this about?_ Nick wondered, worried.

Cece waited for him outside his front door. As he approached, she brought a cigarette to her lips and lit it. She watched him with a predator's gaze as she blew white smoke into the night sky.

"Want one?" Cece asked, holding the packet out towards him.

"I'm scared to," Nick said, puzzled, "Cece – are you in a gang or something?"

"Shut up, Miller," Cece said, taking in another long draw, "I think it's time you and I had a little talk,"

"Again," Nick said, "Are you in a gang or something?"

"I love Jess a lot," Cece told him suddenly, "And I'm sick of seeing her in pain, so I'm just going to say it. Watching you two is infuriating. She likes you. You like her. Why is it so hard for you to make it work? Yes, she kissed you while she still had a boyfriend. But that was the point Nick – she wanted to kiss _you_ , not him. She left Spencer _for you_ , Nick. She left Spencer because she realised what she had with him wasn't the same as what she had with you. And you like her – I can tell. You look at her as if she's a dream you're having. You like making her laugh. You like making her call you an idiot. You like her. And if you don't do something soon, you'll lose her."

"What do you mean?" Nick asked.

"She's applied to study abroad next semester – she's applied to go study in Paris," Cece explained, "And do you know why? Because it's too hard for her. Because she thinks you still want to be with Caroline. Because she likes you and she doesn't think you like her back. Don't you see how crazy this all is?"

"I didn't- I didn't know she liked me. I-" Nick muttered, his voice still and quiet.

"Listen, Miller," Cece said, flicking her cigarette away, "I don't think anybody is good enough for Jess, but I want her to be happy. So I need you to step up."

"What-" Nick started.

"Just _step up_ , Nick," Cece went on, "You can't spend your whole life hiding away in your damn basement."

"Is, um, is that a metaphor for something or-" Nick mumbled.

"Just go get her, Nick," Cece told him, before offering him a smile.

Nick just wordlessly watched her as she opened his front door and slipped inside.

"Just go get her," Nick repeated the words to himself, and it was as if everything was finally, finally, falling into place.

It was a Tuesday evening and the sky was alive with purple fire and somewhere, a few streets away, Jessica Day was probably alone in her room. Maybe she was thinking about him – as he had so often thought about her, as he lay on the couch and longed for something, someone, longed for _more_. It was a Tuesday evening and the night was drawing in, casting its shadows and its chill, and suddenly, Nick Miller was running.

Nick Miller was running.


	8. Red

**Ripped Tights**

 **Chapter Eight – Red**

Jessica Day had gotten the phone call from Mr Mateo a couple of hours ago and had been locked inside her room ever since. _Now I know_ , she thought to herself as she lay on her bed, _so_ _what next?_

She hadn't moved for an age. As she had laid there, the sunset had spilled into her room from outside – purple, like a new bruise, and alight. Eventually the sky faded into darkness and now, the deep blue dark seemed to hold her inside as it pushed through her window. There was so much to untangle. She didn't know where to begin. It hadn't been so long since she and Spencer had rode their bikes on the last day of Summer. It hadn't been so long, but everything was different. Things seemed to change daily. _Is this what it feels like to be an adult?_ Jess asked herself. It felt like a mess of heartache and longing and questions.

It was in that moment – as Jess lay on her bed with her head turned towards the swollen moon – that a pebble grazed her window, causing her to suddenly jolt upright. She slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position, her lips parted. For a second, Jess thought she might have imagined it, but then a second pebble bashed against the glass, more urgent than the first.

Jess opened the window, expecting to see Cece standing beneath her.

Instead, she saw Nick Miller.

…

Nick Miller had never ran so far. Nick Miller had never ran so fast.

As he hurled the pebble at a random upstairs window, he prayed to all the gods he'd ever heard of that it was the right window. _Please don't be the Mom_ , he silently wished as the window slid open. Then, Jess's head suddenly came into view. Her hair was pulled up into a high ponytail that was now blowing sideways in the breeze. Her glasses were perched on top of her head, pulling her bangs out of her face. She looked surprised to see him and he grinned up at her, triumphant.

"Jess," Nick managed in a sort-of whisper-yell, " _Jessica_ ,"

"Shh, Nick!" Jess replied, in an equally strange hushed shout, "My parents-"

"I'll climb up," Nick mouthed.

"What?" He heard her hiss, confused. He was confused himself. _How the heck do I get up there?_ He asked himself as he started sizing up the garage. _That'll work,_ he decided, _onto the garage then up the ivy plant_. _Easy peasy, Nick._

As he scaled the garage wall, Jess watched from her bedroom window, wincing.

Finally, Nick made his way up without freaking out or looking down and tumbled through Jess's open window.

"Are you a freaking circus clown, Nick?" Jess hissed as she slapped him on the shoulder.

"No," Nick replied breathlessly.

"Then why are you attempting these- these- freaking _antics_?" She asked, her whispers laced with frustration.

"I needed to see you," Nick said, catching his breath, "I needed to talk to you."

"Well, make it quick, Nick," Jess said quietly as she went to double check that her bedroom door was locked, "My parents will genuinely cook you into a pie if they find you here. I'm not kidding."

"You're not?" Nick replied incredulously, "What are they? Fairy tale villains?"

"Well, you're the one who just climbed up the wall and into my room, so. Just call me freaking Rapunzel," Jess said, with as much animation as her low volume could allow.

"Does that mean I'm your Prince Charming?" Nick teased, leaning against the wall, "Does it?"

"Prince Charming isn't even from-" Jess started.

"Does it?" Nick interrupted her.

"Nick, no, I-" Jess protested.

"It does, doesn't it?" Nick said, smiling smugly.

" _Miller_ ," Jess whispered harshly, "Just say what you have to say and leave."

"Right," Nick said softly, nodding his head. Seeing her so annoyed, he felt nervous – like he wasn't so sure he was doing the right thing. Looking Jess in the eye, he suddenly wished he could distract her, leave and then make her forget he was ever here. Then, she exhaled and her features softened and she moved towards him.

"Is everything okay, Nick?" She asked. Her voice was as light as air. Her glasses were still balanced atop her head, crooked strands of her dark hair spilling over the top of them. Her blue eyes were wide with concern. Nick knew then that he had to say something. It was truly now or never. He couldn't lose her – not so completely. And he would lose her completely if he chickened out and remained silent. They might still remain friends, but he'd lose the possibility of _her_ , the possibility of _them_.

"I have something I need to say," Nick said eventually, the words feeling messy as they spilled out of him, like yolk pouring out of a cracked egg.

"Nick-" Jess began.

"Jess, just listen-" Nick continued, moving towards her and placing his hands on her shoulders.

"But Nick-" Jess went on, raising her hands and placing them on his forearms as if to push him away, as if to draw him closer.

"Jess, please, just hear me out," Nick insisted, tilting his head towards her, "Don't go to Paris."

Jess immediately narrowed her eyes.

"No. What I mean is," Nick tried again, "Go to Paris. Go to Paris because it's an amazing opportunity and you deserve it and you know, baguettes and French fries and those mime guys and – and I don't know any more French things - but go to Paris because it's awesome and because _you want to_."

"I-" Jess attempted to interrupt, but Nick shook his head.

"But if you're only going because you like me and you think I don't like you back, then seriously, don't go. Because that is _crazy_ , Jess," Nick said, no longer worrying that he might be talking too loud, "I've liked you since you came over to the lunch table and did that terrible Cookie Monster impression. I've liked you since you came into my basement and you didn't call me gross and smelly and you had a beer with me. The point is – I really, really like you and I can't stop thinking about the time after the party when we slept on the couch, or the time we kissed in the woods. And- and if you let me do one more thing before you run away, across the world to France, please let me kiss you again."

"Nick," Jess replied, her voice thick and low as if she'd just woken up, "I didn't- I didn't get chosen for the programme."

"Oh," Nick relaxed his grip on Jess's shoulders, but kept his hands there, "You didn't?"

"Nope," Jess said, offering him a guilty smile.

"Well," Nick whispered, his face screwing up with embarrassment, "Well, I-"

"But what you just said?" Jess went on, beginning to wrap her arms around his neck, her fingers finding a place in his windswept brown hair, "That was really, really sweet."

Nick swallowed as he began to lower his hands to her waist, pulling her closer.

"So, should I say it again or-?" Nick asked, half-joking, as their faces grew tantalisingly close.

"Just kiss me, you idiot." Jess whispered, looking up at him through half-closed eyelids.

Nick didn't need to be told to kiss her. The words were barely out of her mouth before his lips were on hers, urgent and hungry. He'd been craving her kiss ever since the first time, and he had to admit: it was hard keeping himself under control. He tried to keep the kiss tender and gentle, but before he knew it, he was lifting her up and she was wrapping her legs around his waist.

He groaned somewhere deep in his throat as she leaned down to kiss him again. She was as fierce as he was, and caught his bottom lip between her teeth, nipping at it playfully. He responded by deepening their kiss, coaxing her mouth open and grazing her tongue with his own. As they kissed, he held her up with one arm, and the other made its was up her back and into her hair. He heard the clink of her glasses falling to the floor, but she didn't seem to care. Her fingers slipped deftly down the back of his collar, grazing the top of his spine. As she breathed out between kisses, she moaned slightly and then leant in again to kiss him more. It was as if they couldn't get enough of each other – as if they couldn't handle their lips being apart.

Nick dipped Jess onto the bed so that he was above her and without warning, she raked her fingers down his back, deliberate and slow. He shuddered with pleasure.

As he leaned in to kiss her again, her breath warm against his skin, they both heard the same, unmistakable sound: footsteps on the stairs.

They flung themselves away from one another like they were bursting apart at the seams. Nick looked prepared to jump out the window, but seemed to think the better of it and started looking around for a suitable hiding spot. Jess quickly and quietly wiped her lips with the back of her hand and adjusted her shirt.

As she listened out for the inevitable knock, Nick leaned against the desk in a ridiculous attempt at nonchalance.

"It's locked," She mouthed at him, rolling her eyes.

"Knock, knock, knock," Jess's Mom called cheerfully as she rapped on the door and started jiggling the handle.

Jess sucked in a breath as she watched the locked door rattle. Her heart was beating fast, but she couldn't tell if it was with the excitement of kissing Nick Miller or the thought of being caught with a boy in her room so soon after being grounded.

"Jessica Day, why is this door locked?" Her Mom cried through the door.

"Be right there," Jess yelled, as she hopped over the bed and made her way towards Nick.

"You have to climb back down," Jess whispered softly.

"I know," Nick replied, nodding, "But I may die."

"Don't die on me, Miller," Jess responded, sliding her arms around his waist as he rested his head on top of hers, "I just got you."

"Well, when you put it that way," Nick whispered, "I guess I'll see you at school, then."

He kissed her on top of the head then leant down to kiss her on the lips. He pulled away and then kissed her lips again as he pushed open the window and kicked a leg out.

"Hey, Nick," Jess whispered just as he was about to start making his way down towards the garage roof.

"Yeah?" He responded, looking up at her and grinning wildly.

"This feels," Jess paused as she tried to find the correct word, " _Right_. This feels so right."

Nick nodded and continued grinning as he disappeared from her sight.

Jess took a moment to suppress the gleeful cries of joy she wanted to unleash upon the world and composed herself. She had a mother to deal with. Endless joy could wait.

Once again, she adjusted her ponytail and straightened her collar and unlocked the door.

"And what were _you_ doing?" Her Mom asked, placing her hands on her hips.

"Just studying," Jess replied, shrugging.

"With the door locked?" Her Mom pressed.

"Well, as you know, I'm reading _Les Miserables_ for my Advanced English class right now and I thought that to really get into the mindset of Jean Valjean, I should lock myself inside, you know? Really get a feel for those years toiling away in prison – see what makes him tick, see how-" Jess went on.

"Okay, okay, Jess," Her Mom interrupted, shaking her head, "I'll just buy that because I actually came up to talk to you about something pretty serious."

"Serious?" Jess repeated, her heart skipping a beat, "Is everything okay?"

"Your Dad is- your Dad is all set to move out. He's leaving now. Right now." Her Mom explained, watching Jess with guilty, sympathetic eyes as she waited for Jess's response.

"Wow," Jess said. She felt like someone had just pushed her over. Somewhere along the line, she convinced herself her parents might work things out. After all, since her parents had come clean about their getting-a-divorce and her Dad had been sleeping on the couch, there had been less arguments, less passive aggressive comments. It wasn't an ideal situation, but Jess thought that in its own way, it was working. It was a system. She thought she had more time to come to terms with everything. She thought she'd be warned. She thought she'd know when they would have their last meal together as a family. Now she didn't even get that.

Something tight and barbed coiled up in the centre of her chest, quelling her prior happiness. She couldn't believe it – her Dad was leaving for good? Right on the day Nick Miller came to her and made her his own? Talk about a dark cloud on a sunny day.

"Do you want to come down and say goodbye?" Her Mom asked gently as she squeezed Jess's hand in her own.

"I-" Jess started, "Goodbye. Yeah. Sure. Yeah."

…

"Now I'll see you Friday after school?" Her Dad was saying as he pulled her into one of his great, grizzly bear hugs.

"Right," Jess said, offering him a tiny nod.

"And this isn't goodbye, Jess. You know that, don't you? We'll still see each other. We'll see each other all the time. Only I might be smiling a lot more." Her Dad told her with a wink. Jess felt herself smile a little as his beard tickled her cheek.

"And you picked up the keys for your apartment?" Jess's Mom asked him for the fiftieth time that evening.

" _Yes_ ," Her Dad said, exasperated, "I've told you a million times."

"Right, well," Jess's Mom said, "I suppose we'll see you out,"

Jess's Dad bent down to pick up his bags and Jess and her Mom followed him out into the garden. After another bear hug, her Dad started loading his stuff into his car. It was a short drive to his new apartment, Jess found out.

Jess leaned against her Mom as she watched her Dad get ready to leave. Jess felt overwhelmed by a sense of change in the air. She had been right before – things changed daily. Things changed all the time. Maybe it _was_ a part of growing up. Maybe the changes were all for the better. Today had been a whirlwind of possibilities. She hadn't gotten the scholarship. She _had_ gotten a kiss and an 'I like you' from Nick Miller. That felt right – a perfect fit. This morning, her Dad had woken up on their couch. Tonight he would sleep alone in his new apartment. That change felt final and scary and lonely. But maybe one day, it would lead to better things. Maybe he was right – maybe he _would_ be smiling more.

Jess felt her Mom's grip tighten on her shoulder and heard her stifle a sob. Jess found herself struck with the hope that one day her Mom would find someone with whom things felt right. Just right.

Jess walked to the end of the drive as her Dad's car pulled out. She waved at him and he waved back and she swallowed hard, tears filling her eyes. Then, he drove away. As the car growled as it started speeding off, down the road, Jess was filled with the bright, desperate urge to run down the street, waving and waving, until her lungs burned and her legs ached and she couldn't run anymore.

Instead, she brought both hands to her chest and felt herself breathe in and breathe out. She brought her hands to her lips. They felt as if they still burned from Nick's kisses. In that moment, she didn't so much feel like a kid anymore. She had said goodbye to something that day, but she had also welcomed something glittering and wonderful.

Jess continued standing at the bottom of her drive, letting the cold night air pool around her. She shivered.

Endings. Beginnings.

…

"So, did your Mom have any idea that there was a stud in the room, making moves on her daughter?" Nick asked as he swung his arm around Jess's shoulder.

"Stud in the room? Where was he?" Jess joked. She couldn't stop smiling - her cheeks were beginning to hurt.

"Oh, a funny girl," Nick replied.

Jess leant into him. She couldn't get over how amazing it felt to just be walking with him – to relax into the space beside him, to relax against him, to tease him and laugh with him.

"I have to duck in here," Jess told him as they passed the girls' room.

"Okay, well, that's your private business," Nick responded, shrugging.

"To see _Cece_ ," Jess said pointedly, "Weirdo."

"Bigger weirdo," Nick said as he gave her a small kiss on the lips.

Jess sighed happily as she closed the door of the girls' bathroom.

"Well god _damn_ , Jessica Day," Cece greeted her as she approached her friend, "The school is buzzing with rumours. I've heard a one Nicholas Miller and a one Jess Day were spotted canoodling near the bike racks this morning."

Jess jokingly hid her face in her hands.

"Now what I want to know is why I heard this through Sarah's friend Jamie who heard it through her friend Becca, and not from the woman herself?" Cece scolded.

"I'm sorry," Jess said, "The past twenty-four hours have been so crazy. I've barely had time to update _myself_ on what's going on."

"So you and Nick are...?" Cece urged.

"We _are_ ," Jess said, smirking.

"And you're not...?" Cece continued.

"Going to Paris?" Jess scoffed, "Nope."

"Well, well, well," Cece said, smiling to herself, "Nick Miller really can go the distance. Who'd have thought?"

"What?" Jess asked.

"Nothing," Cece replied, "Boys are just...surprising, that's all."

" _Very_ ," Jess agreed.

"Well, just so you know, I approve." Cece told Jess with a sagely nod.

"Good," Jess replied, "And just so you know, I would also approve if you wanted to get your own...surprising...boy."

"Maybe," Cece said, shrugging, "But that boy would have to work hard to charm me."

"Obviously," Jess said, throwing up her hand for Cece to high five, "Because Cece deserves the best."

Cece smacked Jess's hand with her own.

…

"So you two are like, together?" Schmidt asked slowly as he placed his tray on the table.

"Like, _together_ together?" Winston asked, his eyes widening when he saw Nick and Jess's interlocked hands on top of the table.

"Well, yeah," Nick answered.

"Well that's great," Schmidt commented bitterly, "So now we get to see you two smooching every day? Sickening."

"We'll try to warn you before the smooching begins, Schmidt," Jess told him.

"Speaking of which," Nick said, as he leaned across the table and kissed Jess.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Winston shouted, holding up his hands, "This is the lunch room, people. This is a place for eating. So _eat_."

"Oh, don't be such a grump, Winston," Cece said as she walked over to the table, "You should be happy for them."

"Well, it took them long enough," Schmidt added, rolling his eyes.

"True. Be thankful that they aren't staring at each other from across the room making big, sparkly moon eyes," Cece said, laughing.

"We didn't make moon eyes," Jess protested.

" _Please_ ," Cece replied, "I finally got you to go to parties with me and you pine and you pine and you pine."

"You pined?" Nick asked, turning to face Jess.

"There was a little pining," Jess admitted, smirking.

"All joking aside," Cece said, placing her hands on the table, "I'm glad you managed to tell each other how you feel, and I hope you will make Jess very, very happy, Nick, or I will personally flay you."

"You stay away from Nick," Schmidt snapped, "Or I will get _you_ , Cecilia."

"You can try, Schmidt, you can try." Cece responded drily.

"Okay, okay. Nick and Jess are together. Blah, blah, blah. What are we doing this weekend?" Winston asked, changing the subject.

" _I_ have a date," Schmidt said quickly, grinning.

Cece raised her eyebrows.

"It's a real date." Schmidt insisted.

"Okay," Cece said, shrugging, "I mean, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come to an audition with me, but obviously you have other plans."

"Audition?" Jess asked, confused.

"Yeah. I didn't mention it because you had so much stuff going on, but actually, I got invited to an audition. A modelling audition." Cece explained, a little shyly.

"Modelling audition?" Jess repeated loudly, "What the hell, Cece?"

"Well, when you were in the bathroom at the aquarium-" Cece started.

"A common occurrence during _my_ daily life," Winston interrupted sarcastically.

"When you were in the bathroom at the aquarium," Cece continued, "A modelling scout came over to chat to me. She gave me the details of some big, fancy audition and said she would put in a good word for me."

"I mean- I'll go. I mean- I don't have anything else going on so I'll go-" Schmidt muttered, running a hand through his hair.

"I thought you had a date?" Cece reminded him.

"Yeah," Schmidt said, nodding uncomfortably, "No. I think it was cancelled."

"Cancelled?" Cece repeated.

"Yeah, so I can go with you. To the modelling auditions. I can go with you to the modelling auditions." Schmidt went on.

"Well, I didn't invite you, Schmidt," Cece told him, smirking.

"But- you said-" Schmidt spluttered, "You said you were going to ask me-"

"Yeah," Cece said, "I was going to. I changed my mind."

"Cece-" Schmidt started as Cece gave Jess a wink, " _Please_ let me come with you."

"I'll think about it," Cece replied, shrugging casually, "Winston, are you up for it?"

"Freaking _Winston_ gets an invite?" Schmidt yelled, "This is nonsense."

"I would, but I actually also have a date," Winston admitted, "Seems my dance moves are a hit with the ladies."

"So everyone's just going on dates?" Nick asked, "When are we going to hang out at the basement? Just the five of us?"

"I don't know, Saturday night?" Cece suggested, "We can review Winston's date? We can talk about how much I sucked at the auditions?"

"Maybe I will also audition," Schmidt said thoughtfully.

"Don't even start, Schmidt," Cece warned him.

"So everyone's all booked up?" Jess asked before turning to face Nick, "I guess that means _we_ can hang out on Saturday?"

"A first date?" Nick teased, "I'm not sure we're ready,"

"Don't worry, Miller," Jess replied, smiling, "I have something in mind."

…

"It's just a little further up the hill, Nick," Jess called, "You can do it,"

"Easy for you to say, Jess. You've done this a billion times," Nick shouted up to her breathlessly.

"Hey!" Jess yelled, " _I'm_ the one pushing the heavy bike, so stop yapping."

"Well, this _was_ your idea," Nick said, wheezing as he caught up with Jess at the top of the hill.

It was a Saturday and it was cold. Nick and Jess were wearing their winter coats and scarves. Jess tucked her hands in her pockets once she rested her bike against a tree.

"I used to be scared to ride my bike down this hill," Jess told Nick quietly, "I used to hate it. I was terrified. I would close my eyes really tight and keep my hands pressed down on the brakes so I wouldn't go too fast. I didn't want to go too fast – I felt like I would fall, hurt myself, I don't know."

Nick nodded and breathed out. His breath was white and cloudy in the icy air. From where they were standing, they could see the entire forest trail and the town that lay beyond. It was a pretty great spot. Nick smiled at Jess, urging her to continue.

"Anyway," Jess went on, "I've decided that being scared is stupid. I've decided that I need to do it. I need to cycle down this hill and watch the trees fly past me. I need to go fast, keep my eyes open. And I need you to be here, because I wouldn't have come to this conclusion without you."

"No?" Nick said, feeling the corners of his mouth curve into a smile.

"You remember when I asked to sit at your lunch table? You remember when you invited me to your basement the first time? Well, I was scared. I was scared, Miller. I was scared of embarrassing myself, getting hurt. I was scared of drinking beer and staying out late. But really, all of that didn't matter. I realised there was nothing to be scared of, and in the end, it meant that we found each other, you know?" Jess said, her scarf whipping in the wind.

"Yeah," Nick agreed, "I get you. So what are you waiting for? Get on that bike, you maniac."

Jess rested her bike at the tip of the hill. Her fingers felt numb beneath the wool of her gloves. As she kicked her leg over the bike and settled on the seat, she reached out to take Nick's hand.

"So," She said as she pulled him towards her, "You and me. Together. What do you think is going to happen, Miller?"

"What do you mean?" Nick asked, as his gaze dropped to her lips for a second.

"Well," Jess went on, "Do you think we'll like, fall in love?"

Nick grinned and licked his lips as he leaned in towards her.

"You know what?" He asked, his voice just above a whisper.

"What?" She replied, looking into his eyes.

"I think I've always been a little bit in love with you, Jessica Day." Nick said finally, quietly.

Jess smiled as she leaned in to kiss him. He was a constant surprise.

Just as her lips brushed against his, she began to pedal.

She began to pedal, and she didn't stop, and the whole world rushed by her, grey and green and crisp and incredible. And it didn't feel terrifying. It felt the same way being with Nick Miller felt: it felt right. It felt perfect. It felt like the beginning of something.

 _The End._

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And that's all, folks! Thanks so much for all your support and kind comments over the past couple of months. I haven't written fan fiction in a long time, and I had a lot of fun writing this.

The chapter titles are all taken from songs. Here is a list of the songs, for any of you who are interested:

Eyes Shut – 'Eyes Shut' by Years & Years  
Tip a Bottle Back – 'Chin Up' by Copeland  
Are You Wild Like Me? - 'Bros' by Wolf Alice  
I Used to be Golden – 'Clairvoyant' by The Story so Far  
The One that Walked Away – 'Stay With Me' by You Me at Six  
Shadows Settle – 'Youth' by Daughter

And chapters seven and eight, Blue & Red, are (kinda) from 'Red' by Taylor Swift.

Thanks again for reading!


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